Thursday, December 20, 2007

Pay it Forward

I am a believer in the practice or idea of paying it forward. In case you are not aware of what “ paying it forward” means or you live under a rock …which some of you may do so I apologies for poking fun at your humble abode…I am sure it is lovely under that rock of yours, I will give you a brief explanation to the best of my ability.

Paying it forward is a simple concept really. Lets say someone does you a good deed such as puts money in your parking meter when you are about to run out of time and the parking ticket Nazis is on his way to nail a ticket to your windscreen. Some random stranger pumps your meter and has done you a good deed for the day ( hopefully he flipped the bird to the parking ticket Nazis as well ) So the next day you see someone struggling to cross the road with a insane amount of pages and things are dropping and it is basically a walking time bomb of tears. You offer to help them get across the road. That is paying it forward. Paying the good deed done to you onto others hence the term paying it forward.

I have always tried to do this normally it is on a smaller scale. So it’s not like I am giving away thousands of dollars or open charities to help people. Its little things like the above mentioned. It is something you do for free that feels just as good as buying that new pair of jeans or handbag or drink lol.

In my travels I had an enormous amount of kindness shown to me. This was never a pity style kindness or a charity case. It was just people willing to be kind towards me at that moment. Some of the clearest and most ingrain memories are the holidays. I was living in a country with no one around me for a few Christmases I was also single so I did not have that other person to lean on or rely on during the holidays. I spent one Christmas alone and can safely say it was the most suicidal depressing experience of my life. There is nothing worse then sitting in your flat alone getting pissed and eating a microwave dinner because all you can think is “ fuck this I am not cooking or celebrating” So when friends asked me to come to theirs one year it was actually hard to hold back the emotions at the enormity of my situation at that time. I had friends also entertain my very North American concept of Thanksgiving. They seemed to realize that this was important to me and that they needed to be there for me as friends and people who understood me and my need to have that thanksgiving that year.

So I have always wanted to “pay it forward” knowing how that situation feels. Waking up on Christmas morning to a silent house, no smell of food or the smell of Christmas. Waking up and knowing that for the rest of the day everyone around you would be laughing, eating crying, arguing and generally enjoying Christmas while you are effectively the sad bastard by yourself.
Paying it forward is not a pity thing this needs to be made clear to all. Paying it forward is not something that is asked for. It is something that is done out of kindness and from the heart. It is not done with the intent that it has to be done back to you at one point. It is not done to make the other person feel as though they are in debt to you. It is simply done for the kind act and good deed that it is and that is all.

So this year why don’t you try and pay it forward people. Find the littlest thing and just do it. Make that effort and do you’re paying it forward for the day, month or even year. It is the time of year that things like this should come as second nature to you all.

So yes everyone …go and …PAY IT FORWARD PLEASE

Friday, December 14, 2007

Just Have a Little Patience

I have written a fair amount about my current single state and my lack of relationship. I know some may get bored of it but its my blog and as stated before this is what I believe sites like these are for. They are your sounding board. They are the place where you get things off your chest you just do it to the rest of the world. Doing it to the rest of the world can actually be somewhat comforting you know, knowing anonymous people are reading about your problems and potentially identifying with them as well.

You know as much as I profess to it not being a bad thing being single it is at some times. I do not handle single well you know. It’s a unfamiliar feeling for me. I have always been part of a pair for at least the last 10 years and so when you go through a stage of not being a part of that “pair” you begin to doubt yourself which is never fun.

However some of my closest friends have consitantly told me that it will happen and not to work myself up over it. But the one word that resonates most is the word PATIENCE.
I am told by close and old friends that patience is what I need and that things happen when they need to and for a reason. Mason said to me the other month that you have to go through a bag full of shitheads before you find that one that is not a ass and is what you want. You know what he is right.
I seem to attract 2 kinds of men,. Either the girly boys or the bad boys. Seriously there is no in between. I can’t handle the girly men I am thinking I do not need to explain that. As for the bad boys…I admit I like them but they are never a good thing. I want that in between boy. A guy who is a “guy” who knows that he is meant to be a man but at the same time has that sensitive side that appears on occasion. I like commanding men and you know they are so hard to find these days.

So I will go with what friends like Aron and Mason say and that is patience. I will have patience and wait to see what rolls my way.
Lyrics from a song that sums it all up right now. Take That “Patience”

Just have a little patience
I'm still hurting from a love I lost,I'm feeling your frustration,That any minute all the pain will stop,Just hold, me close, inside your arms, tonight,don't be too hard on my emotions,
'Cause I, need time.My heart is numb, has no feeling.So while I'm still healing,Just try, and have a little patience
I really want to start over again,I know you wanna be my salvation.The one that I could always depend,
I'll try to be strong believe me,I'm trying to move on,It's complicated but understand me.
'Cause I, need time,My heart is numb has no feeling,So while I'm still healing,Just try, and have a little patience,have a little patience,
'Cause the scars run so deep,It's been hardBut I have to believe.
Have a little patience,
Have a little patience,
Woah, Cause I, I just need time,My heart is numb has no feeling,So while I'm still healing,just try, and have a little patience,have a little patience,
My heart is numb, has no feeling,So while I'm still healing,just try, and have a little... Patience

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I Miss British Men

God I really miss English Men!!! You cannot comprehend how much I miss them. See the creatures that are English men and the creatures that are Canadian Men are 2 very very different species.

They are so different it is scary. It makes a girls head spin endlessly with self doubt. So I will try and explain the difference between the 2 creatures and let me tell you they are complete opposites.

Canadian Men

They are such self involved men. I find that they think of themselves as more then they are. It’s almost as if they have airs above their stations. They believe themselves to be god’s gift to all and sundry.
Canadian men appear to only want 3 types of women either invidually or combined: The stick insect (she lives of lettuce leaves and only that…maybe water if she is lucky). The Barbie doll cheerleader. They effectively bounce around a whole lot generally not very smart. Although they are thin they have big knockers and a giant ass…Canadian men seem to appreciate this for some reason. Finally the fake not remotely real girl. These girls are also bitches to be honest. They always seem to be in uber bitch mode and have perfect hair.
Heaven forbid that a Canadian man wants a real woman. Or women who will challenge them or make them think…oh yes to be able to think guys! They do not want a woman who is real and laughs from the belly, will eat a hamburger because it simply looks damn good!
The other big difference is as follows. Canadian men do not look after themselves. They generally have some of the worst dress sense on the face of the earth. By this I mean flannel shirts and white socks with dress pants…YES I AM SERIOUS. They may get a decent haircut once every 6 months for if they go every month or 2 months they fear they may be thought of as “gay” yep very gay…give me a break.
But most of all I find them judgmental. This one really irks me. I am not one to blow a guy out upon first meeting them I am someone who will give them a chance. Maybe that’s the idealist within me?? I do not know

British Men

They do have faults before I start but they are so minor in comparison to Canadian men.

First of all a British guy as far as I am concerned cannot be bothered with stupid women. They really can’t. They seem to pick the more intelligent women out there and that rocks as far as I am concerned.
British men tend not to like the skinny girls of the world. They appear to love a woman who has some substance to her. They like something to hold onto I guess?
British men make laugh endlessly. They are damn funny people. They are self deprecating and sarcastic. They know exactly what button to push with me to make me giggle a proper giggle.
British men DO look after themselves. The myth that they all have bad hair, bad teeth and bad glasses is so very wrong. British men go to the hairdresser regularly. They wear the coolest sexiest cloths. Some even get manicures…no this is not gay! I personally would like a guy who touches me to have good hands people is that not to much to ask?
They spend time buying great cloths that SUIT them.
But most of all as far as my experiences have been up until now compared to Canadian men British men know how to love. They seem to be able to express themselves so much better. They do not wait for a girl to make the move before they do. They just tend throw it out there.

So yep there it is I prefer British men. Now do not get me wrong there is likely a Canadian guy out there who will turn my opinion. A guy who will turn my head and make me pay attention to them. I just wish they would kind of appear now because currently they are not doing a very damn good job you know!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Defining True Friendship

Friendship is defined so differently by each individual. I do believe that some people have what is a warped version of friendship. They believe it as a status symbol if they are friends with a certain person. They believe it good to be friends with a rich person or a powerful person. To me this is a warped and strange version of friendship.

I have always had “friends” who I class as fair weather friends. Then I have my true and deep friends and there are not many of them. This is not because no one wants to be friends with me this is because I choose a select few to spend my time and energy on. I chose a small group so I can spend MORE time with them rather then having vast amounts of friends and spreading myself thin.

My friends mean the world to me. They are my backbone and my reality check. Friends like Aron remind me to have fun all the time and she reminds me I am of value and worth something. Friends like Mason remind me I am beautiful and needed all the time. These are true friends.

These are a few things that I believe describe true friendship in my eyes:

A true friend will catch me when I fall
A true friend will accept me for me and my faults and flaws and will celebrate those with me.
I can call a true friend when I am heartbroken and babble endlessly and although I may feel a fool that friend will never let me believe I am a fool.
To me a true friend is someone I would trust my deepest and darkest secrets with. Being safe in the knowledge that those secrets are in the vaults for a life time and will never escape.
A true friend is someone I would trust my life and my heart with.
True friends will tell you the hard cold and honest truth. At the time it may appear to be painful and hurtful but that is never the intent. The intent of that friend is to remind you of whom you are and where you are going astray. Only a friend can do this best.
A true friend is someone you make a godparent to your child not because they are just a true friend but because the0y are the type of person who has the right character traits to guide your child through life.
True friends will tell you that you are a beautiful person and when they tell you that you know it is true and honest.
True friends are there for you when there is catastrophe and when there is endless pain
A true friend is there when there is nothing but pure joy in your life.

The list could be endless but rest assured that my true friends fit every single one of those descriptions and even more. I would do anything for my friends. If had all the money in the world I would take them on the biggest most incredibly fun and insane world trip just because it would be FUN!!
I know that I am so fortunate to have the friends I have. I know that there are people out there who are not as lucky as me and are missing out on the incredible feeling of true and steady friendship
This is what I have true and steady friendship. The love of a good friend is so very hard to describe I just know that I have that love everyday

Thursday, November 15, 2007

What is Happiness to You ?

What is happiness mean to you? By that I mean how do you define happiness in your life?
I have always thought of happiness as a very subjective thing. Everyone has a different version or meaning of happiness. I would like to think I have a very straightforward version of happiness.

To me happiness is actually a very simple thing that most people seem not to be able to achieve, including myself.

Happiness in my definition is as follows. It is the feeling of being wanted and needed. It is knowing someone else craves or needs to be in your presence. If someone has that desire then that means you have the ability to make them happy. Making someone happy is a sure fire way to being happy yourself, it’s like a good deed turned.

It is the feeling of relaxation. Relaxing is a hard thing to do and when you figure out how to do it properly I think you can be super happy. I am a person that actually finds it very hard to relax or “shut off” I am constantly turned on. I am go go go all the time. So when I manage to switch off and just chill out it is unreal, it is a state of happiness that is very hard to describe! All I know is when I relax I am happy.

Although I hate to admit it money does play a factor in happiness. If you can live your life without the worry of financial issues then you are less stressed which equates to being happier. However money does not buy happiness, it does not by love or friendship and love and friendship are keys to happiness.

Living in the country makes me so happy. I grew up there it is where I belong. I do love the city and all it has to offer. However nothing beats a winter night, a fire place, glass of wine and ….silence. Pure uninterrupted …silence. It is pure bliss for me. Being able to ride through gigantic fields whenever I wish with the horses is happiness. Riding is likely the ultimate feeling of freedom for me and that is a pure state of happiness as far as I am concerned

The biggest thing though for me that makes me happy is being in a relationship. I flourish when I am in a relationship. My sense of self worth increases. My self esteem is boosted. I feel needed and wanted. I feel beautiful and stunning. All of these things make me happy beyond words. I fall asleep at night with a grin on my face when I am happy

So happiness as I said is all subjective. To one person it is being able to buy what ever you want to another person it is the ability to smile on a daily basis. Happiness is a very individual and unique thing to acquire and I think once you can find that happiness you can almost always stay happy. It’s all in the mind as far as I am concerned. If you are able to keep your self happy internally you will always show that happiness on the outside to others

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Come out of Your Music Comfort Zone !

I have been writing a lot about music of late. This would be due to the Ipod touch otherwise known as gods gift, being fused to my palm.

I grew up with a love of music. I had parents who were music lovers and passed that on to their kids. I would like to think that we all have very good taste in music and a reasonable idea of what is quality music and what is “fluff” music. Do not get me wrong I always love a little bit of mindless fluff once and a while.

I had a Dad who adored Pink Floyd and all the great Jazz players. I had a Mum who loved Bob Dylan and The Rolling Stones. So we grew up with a great appreciation of what I call “Real” Music. I remember as a child watching my Mum on a Sunday afternoon in the dead of winter shimmying her way across the kitchen to Dylan and Dad turning up the Jazz to unbelievable levels to his undeniable lack of hearing! lol

Even now Mum will still put Dylan on and we will all know the words. I will be honest when I say I do not know many people my age let alone my younger brother’s age that know most of Dylan’s songs and appreciate them for the incredibly meaningful songs and lyrics that they are.

So yes I have been on a music kick!! Currently I have a small obsession with a few albums in particular with thanks to my friend Allen downloading them onto my god’s gift ( ipod touch )

Punk Goes Acoustic
I am so feeling this album and punk goes acoustic 2 as well. I do like some punk music but it is something I can only tolerate in small doses due to the fact that half the time I can’t hear a damn word that they are saying. So when I listen to the acoustic album I hear it all and realize how good some of the songs are.
Particular Favorite right now is “Memory” by Sugarcult. I love the tone and pitch of his voice. I get the feeling and meaning behind this song. It is a snappy and good song love it .
I also love Punk Goes 80’s and one song in particular. Video killed the Radio Star . I have always loved this song before hearing this version and now I am completely hooked on it with this version! It is one of the best “remakes” of a song I have ever heard.

Another group I have been introduced to thanks to my bro and Allen is Secondhand Serenade. I will be honest I had never heard of them before they were put on the Ipod and now I cannot stop hearing them enough. Again they are songs with stories. I am someone who needs to find a story or a meaning in the music that I listen to. If I do not find that then I begin to think it is rather pointless assaulting my eardrums with meaningless shit.
This album “Awake” is one big story. Favorite track is “I hate this Song” yes it is a slightly melancholy and can be somewhat sad but who cares it’s a song with a purpose and that’s all I need. Other mentionable tracks are the title song Awake and Take me with You.

So yes I am slightly deafer then I was last month. I am expanding my musical taste from what is familiar and comfortable to me and I am having fun doing it.

I say to everyone along with buying the current and up to date albums you need to go out and buy the classics and the godfathers of music. The Pink Floyds and the Bob Dylan’s. You need to see where good music came from before you are able to weed through the Fluff of modern day music. Listening to Dylan and Floyd will make you appreciate all the more the bands that are currently making the effort to be real musicians and artists.
I also recommend everyone comes out of there “music comfort zone” and buy an album they have never heard of or would never usually buy. It might surprise you how much music you are missing out there that is not mainstream and top 40

Monday, November 12, 2007

A Chance to Feel Greatness

Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in such a long long time and it is completely down to best friend Aron.
I was given the best honor ever of being allowed to ride her amazing horse Ike. Some of you may be thinking “It is just a horse and it is really not that big a deal” This is not just a horse everyone.
This is an athlete, a fine tuned machine. He is the most stunning and expensive horse I have ever ridden in my life.
Ike is a Friesian breed. They are one of the oldest and most baroque breeds of horses. They are tall and majestic in style and appearance. Ike fits this description to perfection.

He is one of the best trained horses I have ever known in my life. This is down to the dedication and immense skill of Aron and her late and very dear trainer Nadeem. So when she asked me if I wanted to ride Ike I will fully admit my first gut reaction was to yell “UH NO CHANCE!! I am so not good enough to ride him lol “But she was instant and wanted to see how I would bond and react with Ike for any future help she may need with him. I decided ok she trusts me enough so you may as well go for it!! It’s a once and a lifetime chance to do this!
Well when the time came to get on Ike after Aron had finished riding him I was to put it bluntly …shitting myself! I tend not to get nervous around horses they are like an extension of who I am and my make up. However with Ike I just knew it was a different ball game.
Any fear I had vanished the minute I sat down properly and had the reins in my hands. All I can say for a description of what riding Ike is like is …poetry in motion. The is a fluid and forward movement that to some may be terrifying but to me excites and exhilarates me. It felt incredible. He is a credit to Aron and Nadeem and the hours and years of hard work they have put into the boy.
So as I said it was simply one of my best moments. It has to be top 5 at least. I cannot wait for the opportunity to do it again.
Even more then being able to ride was the huge and unfathomable compliment Aron has paid me for simply allowing me to ride her magnificent beast. For anyone who knows when you have a horse like that you do not mess around with it. You do not risk habits being taught to them. You do not risk him or rider being hurt, you simply do not risk. So for her to let me on was the confidence boost I needed to remind myself that yes indeed I am a good rider and that I need to remind myself of that daily from now on
Thank you again to both Aron and Ike

Friday, November 09, 2007

Being Selfish Should Be a Art Form You Know

They always say that being selfish is a bad thing. Society manages to make you feel guilty for being selfish. It is considered socially unacceptable to be such a thing.

If a mother is at the end of her rope with a toddler or new born and she wants "me" time or she wants to go off by herself, she is considered selfish for wishing to do so. I believe in that situation it is the complete opposite. She is doing the right thing in the fact that she is re grouping herself. She is calming herself down so she can be the best mother she can be. Yet society deems her to be a selfish self interested mother.

I wife decides she wants to go out and do her thing instead of catering to a husband and his needs and society deems this to be selfish??? ....

All of this makes no sense to me. I will admit though sub consciously I have bowed to societies ideas of what is social unacceptable in the selfishness department.
I am the type of person that will continually put the needs of others before myself. I do it because I am a nice person. I have this unwavering belief that karma will eventually bite you back in the ass really hard. I believe in the phrase no good deed goes unturned. But recent events have made me realize that maybe I should be selfish ....
Someone I "like" basically has to make a decision between me and something else ( here comes that whole anonymous thing mentioned in the below post again lol) so I cannot mention the something else out of respect but be safe in the knowledge that the something else is a very big thing people.
I have done the Louisa response of " you have to look after yourself and do the right thing, and I support you"
Wellllll for the first time in a very very long time I completely regretted what I was saying. Inside I was screaming PICK ME PICK ME !! ( like I am a nose or something lol ) I just recoiled in fear inside at the thought that I would not be first to be picked. I panicked that I was losing something that potentially could be very very good and amazing.
I hate this feeling. Its like the old tug of war between right and wrong. Do I unselfishly fully offer my support. Do I attempt not sway the decision in my way do I be the "nice" person I have always been ....nice does not necessarily always work though.
Or do I be something so very foreign and against my nature and grain. Do I become a selfish person and pray I am picked or sway the decision somehow that I am picked? Being selfish is a foreign concept to me. Its something a lot of people have no issue being but for me it is not in my nature it is not something I can do naturally or with ease. But you know maybe this is the time that I do throw myself out of my "nice" comfort zone and take a chance.
Hmmm right my ramble is complete I am no closer to being clear minded or having a clear thought pattern if anything I have now made it worse dammit !! lol

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Just When I Thought.....

Its always hard to write about things in a anonymous way for me. I am such a personal person that I can't do the "hypothetical friend" sotries or the "what if" stories or the " I have a a friend of a friend" stories very well. So I will try my hardest to make this entry as anonymous as possible.

You know just when I thought or started to believe things were rolling my way ...bang brick wall. It took a huge amount of courage I suppose for me to throw myself back into the dating world. I, as written previously, have major brick walls that take a aweful lot to tear down. I have them up for so many reasons I cannot even begin to explain on here as they are that personal and most people do not know about them not even most of my best friends. So suffice to say for me to let even one of those walls down takes a huge amount out of me both emotionally and mentally.
When I am told that things may not happen the way I was hoping then I tend to feel slightly disgarded. This is completely not the other persons fault it has to be said. This is something so beyond and out of their control that I am actually very understanding about it and what ever decsions are made make complete sense to me even before they are made.

However the minute I realised that things were not going to go the way I had wished that brick wall slowly or even rapidly started re-building itself! I have finally felt comfortable with someone else for the first time in a long long time. I have finally let myself go a little enjoyed myself and well had fun and its sort of back fired on me.
Do I have some sort of seek and destroy beacon attached to my body. Do I have some sort of sign that god has pinned on me like the tail on a donkey that says " get her gaurd down boys and then watch the fun commence" lol Seriously I laugh but really I am not laughing out of fun or hilarity I am laughing at the joke that seems to be becoming my relationship life. In fact as I type this i have my head slightly turned so all the macho welders cannot see the tear that insists on welling up in my eye ! damn tear lol
I think that what really gets me is this was not a serious thing yet in anyway there were things still nit picking at me that I was trying to figure out. However clearly it meant more then I may have at first thought
So its is potentially back to square 1 for me yet again. You know what I am not sure I can go through the hassle of trying to get to square 2 3 and 4 again. It is so much effort for me to get there and feel safe there. I was getting there or at least to square 2 and yes I did feel safe.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

October - Monthly Update

Yep another month has rolled on by at warp bloody speed!

It has been needless to say a hetic action filled month for me this time round. So here we go !

Firstly it was my Birthday on the 30th. I decided not to do a happy birthday post to myself this year. I had a wicked first bday in 6 years in Canada! I got some truly lovely presents as well. Firstly mum got me ( after much hinting and insitance) a ipod touch. It has been fused to my hand since the day I got it ! lol So needless to say I am on a music junkie kck. Currently listening to : me first and the gimmie gimmies , palin white t's feist, ill scarlett to name a few.
Aron my ever so lovely best and oldest friend got me some really nice gifts. which was to much !! But I adore them and they mean a huge amount to me as she does.
Beth the rockstar wife in training has out done herself as well!! As a bday pressie and for looking after her 2 stunning ponies her dad and her are making me my own tack box for all my riding gear. You have to understand to buy one is a small fortune so I was touched and very pleased about that.
The birthday night.....oh what a night!! I had a shared pub crawl with Allan who's bday was just before mine. So we did a halloween crawl. Needless to say it was messy and fun. Supose you wish to know what I went as?......hmmmmm....A slutty Fairy ! God my family is proud of me let me tell ya ! So short black dress, giant red fairy wings,, wand, fishnet stockings, knee high boots and a entire bottle of sparkles ! lol OH and excessively big hairy. It was so much fun. I have no recollection of getting to my bed that night although I do remember shaving ricardo's head for him..yeah I am serious when i say that ...I did it drunk ..very drunk !

My love life...hmmm such a hard one to explain. One that I am thinking I will let lie for now as it is all very confusing and I do not know if I am coming or going. I will say this I just want uncomplicated affection, straight forward no hidden shit just a normal thing. It appears to be harder the one would believe trust me.

Ok so I had my first winter driving epxerince. We had snow on the 26th and it was like being back in the damn UK. People were in panic mode. Brakes being slammed cars in ditches stupid drivers everywhere. By the time i got to work at 7:30 ...I needed a drink!! Roll on winter is all I have to say !!!
Last weekend we had our annual bonfire party and it is pure drunken foolishness !! so much so someone called the fire department and police!! I am so serious. They were very good thoguh and told us they saw nothing wrong with our party and told us we could continue and continue we did people. I woke up the next morning to 15people sleeping in the house in various areas...always a good sign of a good Taylpor family get together lol

Thats about it really. November is well on its way. I am hoping for a good month and a fun month. Possibly not such a lonely month as I will admit October felt like a unsure and lonely month. So here we go 1 more down 2 more to go till the end of another year !!
( 47 days to Christmas people !!! lol )

Sick and left to Analyze my Own Thoughts ...Very Dangerous lol

I am home sick today from work. I ended up getting a evil cold and even though i completely believe I would have been able to work my way through this as it is just a cold my boss demanded i take a day off.....who am I to argue ???

I am never very good at being off work to be truthful. I get a number of feelings going on. Firstly it is guilt for not being at work ( trust me when I say that the place is NOT going to fall apart without me lol )
I feel useless as well. I mean seriously there is only so much daytime telly a girl can watch before going insane.

But my worst day off work offence is over thinking and over analyzing things in my life and surroundings. It gets so bad when I am on my own and left to my own devices you know.

Today it has been the analyzng of the following: Do you ever feel as though you are the only one who makes the effort? I do or at least I am convincing myself that I do. It is likely I am not the only one making the effort however due to being left for a day without my normal distractions of work, customers, driving etc I am thinking and believing I am.
I for once in my life like to be the one not always making the fucking effort!!!! I would love to be the one where people make the effort for rather then me having to do all the fucking hard work all the time!!
I keep picking people in my life that do not seem to want to make the effort. Do I excude a big neon sign blinking " DO NOT BOTHER MAKING EFFORT SHE SERIOUSLY DOES NOT MIND PEOPLE" ???? I must do you know because it keeps happening to me lol lol. Is it to much to ask for someone to call yourather then you calling them or for someone to ask how you are before you do ? NO!

I would like to think I am not a needy person and I do honestly believe I am not. What I have always been in my life though is the person that looks after others whether it be friends or boyfriends. I have always been the one that feels the need to make sure everyone else is ok everyone is healthy or happy. But you know what I would like for once to be on the recieving end of that. It rarely happens. I would like someone to show concern for me and my well being. I would like someone to look after me when I am sick or to just be there as a distraction. I am thinking that is not to much to ask?

Monday, November 05, 2007

PenPals With Canadian Soliders

I have been thinking and wanting to write to Canadian Soliders in Afganistan. Not just write one letter to but to be able to have a pen pal. I think of it as my way to make their long time over seas in a hostel land that little bit more.

I have searched all over the internet to try and find such a program. All I have been able to find is either pen pal programs for American soliders OR just messae boards for our Canadian soliders.
Does such a thing not exist ?? Has anyone actually ever found such a place where one can write back and forth between soliders from Canada?

It is so so annoying that I cannot find this anywhere you know

The Things that Make me Happy and the Things that Irritate Me

It can be said that I irritate easily. I believe I got this from my Dad. Genetically I have received is genes of irritation.
Although I irritate easily, which most of my friends and family can attest to, I do have so many things that make me happy. Lots of little things as well. Nothing big or flashy just as the irritants are not over big flashy things either.

Things That Irritate Me:
Drivers that sit in the fast/passing lane even though the are not actually passing anyone !! This sends me over the edge of reason ! This has been a pet peeve since day one of driving and will remain that way till the day I die!

Commercials on television. This is a recently new irritation. It has been brought on due to the fact that I was spoiled in the UK. See over there on the BBC there are no commercials J It just rocked me world living there and watching television. Not the case here in Canada. There seems to be commercials over here every 5 minutes and the same shitty ones over and over and over.

One of my biggest pet peeves is not being called back, emailed back text back written back. Any form of communication that is lacking pisses me off endlessly. I have this line of thought that if I spent the time to communicate with you then you can have the common curteosy of communicating back to me. If you do not like me and do not want to communicate then tell me so. I am a big girl I am pretty sure I can handle the rejection. For some reason it works me up I get so irritated about it.

This is a odd one. Sleeping alone irritates me. Most people relish sleeping alone. They crave it, look forward to it, some people need it. I am however the complete opposite. I relish sleeping next to someone. I do not sleep well alone. It is a lighter more restless sleep for me. Which then leads to even more irritation the next day….trust me a over tired irritated Louisa is not a person you want to cross …ever. I think it is a safety or a comforting feeling to sleep next to someone hence sleeping so much better with someone next to me.

I hate always being the one to initiate things. By this I mean plans for going out or phone conversations. I hate being the one that appears to be the “pushy” one. I would like it if people called me before I call them to see how they are or to make plans. For some reason it makes me feel pushy or over bearing which is most certainly not the case.

Other little irritants:
Rude people, bigots, people with bad phone manners, small irritating children, yippy little dogs, people that dress up there yippy little dogs ( it’s a dog it does not need to be dressed up people ) bad customer service, bad boyfriends ( I have had my share trust me ! ), boyfriends who won’t commit ( yes every girl hates this people). In fact this list could go on forever. So just be safe in the knowledge I irritate over simple and little things.

Things That Make Me Happy:

When people smile at me. Not just a “smile” but a smile from the eyes or from the heart. Trust me I can tell the difference of what is just a smile and a smile that means “ I am happy to see you “ or one that says “ you make me smile like this Louisa” It’s a little thing but a little thing that makes me happy.

Knowing when I have made someones day. Whether it is by a action I did in the day to make their day that much better or if it is something I have said to make them happy. Making others happy makes me happy.

Cooking for someone I like or love. I adore the looks on their faces when they are eating something I have made that makes them happy. This makes me feel useful as though I have done something good to please someone.

The simplest happy moments are for me are when I am curled up on a couch with someone watching a movie or just TV. It gives me the happy feeling. It is simple and great.

I LOVE MAKING PEOPLE LAUGH ! Turns out I am good at that and it makes me happy J

You know being in a relationship makes me happy. It makes me feel as though there is a purpose in life when I am with someone who wants to be with me for being me.

Riding horses. Horses are the one thing I can shut off round. As well as being able to have a completely clear mind and a purpose it just makes me leap with Joy inside.

I am soooo happy when I give people gifts. By gifts I do not mean big extravagant ones but little meaningful ones. A book that means something in particular to the person. A card to make them laugh, things to help people when they are not well. It makes me happy to know I have made that persons day a little brighter.

Other things that make me happy:
Gerber daisy flowers, Sunny days, BBQ’s, my friends, my family, my animals, my life, the color yellow, people who love me or appreciate me, good nights out, funny stories from those nights out, going to dinner with someone special, traveling. Again this list could be endless you know

So there you go my irritant and happy lists. Both could be endless lists. I wrote this entry today as a form of therapy today you know. I needed to write it to get things of my chest and clarify a few things….its worked. My blog as I have said before is my therapy. This is the purpose of me writing here. I know I babble enslessly but you know as I have said before if you do not like it do not read it I am not forcing you to. But remember this it is my blog and my therapy and todays entry has most certainly cleared my mind for the day. Lately I have been a bundle of emotions and endless thoughts about such inconsequential things and writing it down has helped. Its like venting people !

Friday, October 26, 2007

The Most Anxiety Filled Day Of Every Week

So you are asking why would there be one day every week which is filled with Anxiety?? Trust me in my working week there is.

It is not for reasons you may think like payroll or end of month or even complaints days. It is for the following reason.

Thursday is Check Pool Day. You are no likely asking what is this check pool day thing?? I will explain it for you all. Basically everyone puts in 5.00 dollars every Thursday to the pool. In a bag there are little metal discs with numbers. You have an pre arranged number for your disc (mine is 259). At the 2:30 tea break the draw is made. First place gets all the money second place gets a free in to the following weeks draw. The booty generally averages around about 350 bucks so it’s not bad really for free money. At Christmas everyone puts in 20 dollars and that one averages at 2000.00 bucks!!
So every Thursday I am nervously waiting to see if I have won. I sit at my desk and wait to hear the giant air horn sound off indicating that the break is over which means the winner is about to get his or her money. It is a fraught and nerve racking time I tell you!

See there is another issue. Along with being nervous about winning I am also a “marked” woman. I actually won the check pool the very first time I went into it. This was my first week of work. I then won again 3 weeks later AND again 1 and half months later. So far I have made just under 1000.00 dollars on the check pool. You are now wondering why I am a marked women right? Well there are guys who have worked here for over 30 years. The average working time at this company is about 20 years….people do not leave….ever. These guys have NEVER won the check pool. Yet here I come the new young estimator office girl and just start winning!! When I walk across the main welding shop floor to get to the main front offices I swear I can feel holes being burnt into my back by the disgruntled losing welders or if it’s not from their eyes it could be their welding torches! I keep my head down and truck on through the shop floor for fear of death by welding torch or grinding machine.
So yes Thursday’s at 2:40 pm are the most anxiety filled time of the week for me….

* Note: I did not win this week …oh well

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Toll of Humans and Animals in California Fires





I have been following the fires in California closely over the last few weeks. I do not believe that any television pictures or newspaper articles can do justice to the immense scale of this fire.

In my mind it does not matter whether a house is 1 million dollars or 100,000 dollars or who the owners are. What matters is the fact that these people are having their entire lives absolutely and utterly devastated right now and it is virtually out of their control and hands.

What I was however happy to see is the organization of the entire operation of evacuation. Clearly lessons have been learned from New Orleans. Although the 2 disasters are like comparing apples and oranges the basic principles of rescue and survival are identical. I read an article on ABC news regarding the NFL stadium where the vast majority of people seem to be going to. It was both heartbreaking and touching at the same time. Hotels are putting big buffets on for the people. There are massages for free. It’s organized and most importantly CIVILIZED! These things are not paid for by the government. The hotels donated the food and the massages are being offered by a women also displaced by these fires. What I found disheartening from the article were the comments from their fellow Americans complaining that this never happened in New Orleans, they pulled the rich card, the race card and the “its California card” Guess what …they are humans ! They learnt from previous mistakes and found a better way to deal with a tragic situation.

But one of the things that I have followed even more closely is the animals, pets, equines and zoos. I am an animal lover. I believe as much as we need to help ourselves we need to rescue and help them as well as they cannot rescue themselves.
The SHEER scale of the horse rescues actually brought a tear to my eye. Fellow horse people like myself will know you would lay your life down for your horse friend and that what is happening. A rescue center has been set up in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Hundreds upon thousands of horses, cows, pigs, dogs and cats are being brought in by owners SPCA and random citizens with amazing hearts. The horses have their owner’s phone numbers and where they can be found shaved straight into their coats.
If I had the money the means the time I would actually go and help in all honesty. But reading what efforts have already been made has eased my mind. There are stories of families not in direct danger taking as many animals as possible into their homes and onto their land.
All this has given me a slightly altered perspective on the American people. I will not be the harsh critic I usually am in regards to them on this disaster. They are doing the most admiral job possible. Between the fire services, rescue services, SPCA, Animal cruelty units, Police and most importantly the public and residents they are making the best of a bad situation and handling it in a way that is beyond words to describe.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Do You Ever Feel Unsure of Yourself or Your Self Worth

I do. I always feel unsure of myself. I am not sure why that is but it is the case with me 100%. I am a very outgoing and straight forward person and tend to try and not let myself get beatr down as I find it generally a waste of time.
However outward apperances are never whats going on inside any person. I have never met a person who matches their inside apperance identically to their outside apperances. I applaud anyone out there who can truthfully and whole heartedly say that this is the case for them!

Inside I do consistently second geuss myself. I have no clue why I do this but I do it. I do it in social situations, I do it in dating situations ( hence the likeliness singledom I seem doomed to aimlessly wander through FOREVER lol) I do it in family situations. I along with my sister and brother were raised to be confident and strong indiviuals. It seemed to have worked with the other 2 but for unexplainable reasons I missed that boat. As I said I may come across as this extremely confident and together girl but inside I am like a a typoon of doubt. When in social situations while speaking outloud it is highly likely inside I am say " OH MY GOD! Shut up Louisa you are making no sense people will laugh at you not with you soon" or " you are not even remotely cool right now, these people could wipe the floor with you in the coolnehess stakes Lou"
When I date or start dating or have been with someone for a while I still get that feeling of dread and fear. The feeling of " you are just a stop gap for this person" or " really they just feel sorry for you hence they date you, like their good deed for the year" You know what that is not the case and I realise that however I cannot seem to stop the freight train which is my thought pattern sometimes! lol It just keeps chugging along irelevent of how good or bad things may be!

I would love the doubt of myself to vanish ...like now!! I will admit that lately it has in social situations. I have learnt to take the attitude of "fuck it, not my problem its their problem" but on occasion it still pops up like a angry wasp. Dating is a whole different kettle of fish though. In the past and recently I have managed to convince myself that the other person is not remotely interested and he is just humoring me. I have been wrong almost 99% of the time!! And yet I still do not learn from the previous hard lesson to stop the doubting lol lol

I do know this as a fact of life and gospel for myself and my life. I know who my friends are. I know that if they heard the little voice in the back of my mind out loud they would slap me silly and knock the voice out. I know that whom ever I date that instinct will kick in as it has in the past and it will crush that self doubt. I know that my friends value my friendship. I know that I actually have a massive earthly amount of self worth and so far that knowledge of myself has won over the doubting thomas in my sub concious. I know that one day I will be one of those sickingly happily married and lovely people out there. I know that when that happens and when I realise the judgement of others has no baring on my life those doubting voices will vanish completely. And for now I will just have to wage a battle to keep the at bay until I know myself fully for myself .......

Friday, October 19, 2007

I Have Been on The Hunt

No not the man hunt as begining to believe the Louisa curse is kicking in again on that front... a whole different post for you all at another time

No I have been on the hunt for a song that I have had no idea of who the singer is or the tittle. For Canadian readers they may know what I am talking about. The Joe comericals ( for UK readers Joe is like George in ASDA but it is in our Superstore over here) They have been playing as series of new adds that are simply amazing and some of the best marketing I have seen in a very long time. It is all down to a song.
It has been a song that has been stuck in my head for weeks and weeks. The same line has played in my head over and over " your my dream tonight". If you like Feist you will adore this song as well as the other song called "Mixed Up" from another ad campaign.
So I went on the hunt to find this song. I eventually found you could actually download it straight from the Joe website joe.ca. But that still did not satisfy me I wanted to know who sang this song!!! The women has what I call a fairy like voice. It grabs your heart when she sings and I can safely say it has grabbed my heart so much
This is what I found. Her name is Rhonda Stakich from Toronto. Her name is NOT on the Joe webiste which personally annoys me as it is a unreal song !
It always makes me happy to find a not on the radar artist. It makes me happy to find a non mainstream talented voice! If you like Feist you will like this women. I hope to hear more of her music

Paranoid or Being a Fool or Neither

I have a tendancy to think the worst of things. I believe I do this as a protection sort of barrier really. I think sub-conciously I do it on purpose really. I have the belief maybe that if I think the worst then the worst will not happen to me.

I am never very good at opening myself up to people due to past experinces and my personality. However I put on a very good front of always being open and optomistic which I think is a skill ha ha !

So if someone was not speaking to you like they did before do you assume the worst? Do you assume that it is for a bad reason ( which is what I tend to do ) or do you assume you are being foolish and simply paranoid ?! It is likely I am being paranoid to be truthful but it is like there is this little voice in my head saying " Its the worst possible reason Louisa and you know it !" lol lol I am not sure yet how to stop the worst case thinking I tend to do more often then not but I know I need to.
Also I do know that if something changes in a friendship or aquaintance then it is not worth worrying over. There are somethings in your life you cannot change. There are somethings in your life you cannot control.
The only thing you can change is yourself and only for the better. The only thing you can control is yourself and again for good and not bad. So I will control my destiny and my life. I will stop worrying over things I cannot control. I have to realize I cannot make people like me or want me. I think once I figure that out I will be ok really.

Yep this is the end of another Louisa Babble everyone lol THANKS!! x

Thursday, October 18, 2007

When Life Stops Rolling Your Way

So I am so ill right now. It truly is aweful beyond words. I have been fighting a cold for over a week and was beginning to win the battle. I just felt really run down thats all, but I was winning!

Then two days ago I started getting a sore eyelid ( lower) I reckoned it was just a sty nothing more. I was wrong. I woke up this morning went to brush my teeth, looked up in the mirror, and JUMPED back!! My eye was virtually swollen shut ! I mean painfully swollen. It was swollen down beside my nose. It was painful I cannot reiterate how painful this was. I then realized I could not breath through my nose. Turns out I lost the battle with the cold as well. Called work said I was not going to be in and PASSED out in bed. I made a emergancy appointment with the Doc and went in.

So this is what it is: He believes I have had a allergic reaction to something but for the life of him he has no idea what. Then it got infected and a syst yep lovely I know!!! So he has given me heavy duty antibiotics and told me to hot compress it and rest up and be looked after. It was the last part of his reccomendation that sent me in a sad pathetic sorry for myself.

See mum is away for the next 3 weeks. So I am in this massive house by myself, feeling sick, feeling sorry for myself and also feeling slightly lonely :-(

Is it to much to ask of the world to have someone to look after you when you feel poorly ? I am beginning to believe that potentially it is lol lol

So there you go I am sick ( by the way not contagious sick lol ) and feeling sorry for myself lol

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Music Music Music ! God I love it !

Its time for another music recommendation entry for you all. As you are aware from the previous blog entry I am currently on a major music kick due to my sexy Ipod Touch ( Oh yeah did I mention I have a shiny new Ipod touch…I didn’t??... Are you sure???....lol)
So I currently LOVE any music I can get my hands on. However there are a few songs and artist out there that stand heads and shoulders above the crowds due to the greatness of their music. So I thought I would pass this all one to you.

There is also an underlying tone to this entry and that is the following: I need recommendations from you all on what artist you are loving right now, what I should download. I am looking for great British acts as well as they seem to be lacking completely on this side of this pond as the music frankly sucks on the radios over here!!

Ok on with my current list of Favorites:

Paulo Nutini
Now for my English readers this is no new artist for you as he has been out over there for over a year. However he is just breaking out over here. I adore this man. I find it completely intriguing that he has SUCH an Italian name and yet he could not be more Scottish so Scottish you cannot understand a word he says in interviews. Fav songs are pretty much all of them but to list the 2 I love currently they are: Million faces, a truly lovely easy listening song. The other and bigger fav is Jenny Don’t be Hasty. This is a classic singing to tapping your foot to in the kitchen song just wicked!!

Plain White T’s
Ok I know that these guys are coming out over there in the UK but they have been here for a bit. I love these guys. It’s another fresh band that has actual stories to their songs. This is the group that I will listen to over and over and over and never get bored. The song I am loving is “Hey there Delilah”. This song made me cry the first time I heard it. I can only wish in my life time to have a man as devoted and unreal as the one in this song. I recommend you find this Album “Every Second Counts” and BUY IT NOW PEOPLE.

Feist
Time for a little Canadian for you all. I was introduced to this women’s music 2 ways. Firstly it was the song advertising the new Ipods and she was also featured in a recent Greys Anatomy show. It is nice to hear a woman sing and not screech down your ears. She has a strangely addictive voice that seems to pull you in. It is music that makes you smile out of the corner of your mouth or from your eyes. I would say she is another of my Sunday listening albums. Another one you need to buy guys. Best song by a country mile is “1234” it makes you want to move and tap your foot. It makes you want to spin in a circle is a leaf covered fall field. It’s simply “nice”

And that’s all folks. Let me know what you think? Also give me recommendations!! I need to fill this Ipod up!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Louisa's Life Update as of Today

As the title says this post is an update on my life as of today people!

Life is pretty damn good if I am going to be blunt, and you all know I am nothing but blunt at the best of times.

Ok firstly, I got myself a mobile (cell) FINALLY after almost a year of avoiding it since I came back last November. I have to fully admit (much to Arons sheer glee) that I was a fool not to have one for so long!! Oh my sweet lord I missed having a mobile. I REALLY MISSED TEXTING!! So now the damn thing is fused to my hand …just the way it’s meant to be and Aron is no longer mad at me lol. I ended up getting the LG Chocolate flip phone. My UK friends will understand my frustration with the mobile phone world here in Canada. They suck basically. They are about a year to 2 years behind in technology and phone design. However I will give LG credit where credit is due and say they have done a very European phone here and it’s good. They have had serious issues with the slide version which is what I wanted. They were smart enough to say to me not to get it. Clearly they could see I would end up being a pain in the ass customer!

Ok now for the SUPER FREAKING COOL AMAZING new toy. For my birthday I may have lightly hinted to mum that I wanted an Ipod Touch, ok not so lightly more like begging…it worked!
I am the proud owner of a new ipod touch which currently I do believe I am in love with it actually I am infatuated with it! I cannot stop touching, looking at it and holding it!

Boy front: All good best way to describe it. Still seeing boy previously mentioned and really like him. Completely my type and fits me well if that makes any sense. Will not say more then that as it is early days and I always tend to jinx things or over analyze things as well. So yeah all good is the best way to describe that all to you

That’s my life to date. My birthday is coming up in a week and half. I am having a Halloween pub crawl it will be a gong show. There will be pictures and tales galore for you all!!

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

If you .......

So if you miss a person you recently met is it a good thing??
If you think about the person without getting that cold feet feelingand instead a happy felling its a good thing right??

I am thinking it is a good thing personally but just thought would throw that out there to see what others think thats all

I do not have that cold feet feeling. For those that know me and my unbelievable cold feet instincts this is a very good thing you know ....very good indeed ...

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Monthly Update - September

Well September has been and gone and oh so damn fast I have to say !

It was generally a quiet month for me but a fun in fact a sper fun month for me !

I went to Spruce Meadows with my oldest and dearest friend Aron and made a new fast and stead friend in Beth ! We had a brlliant time and I got the most amazing photos from it all as well.
I met Arons new man who in my eyes just ROCKS! The boy is very cool and I believe she has picked a truly lovely big hearted funny as hell boy there. So I wish them both the best in the world !! ( I know Aron reads this , him no her yes and I know she will have a grin from ear to ear after reading that )
Lets see what else.....hmmmmm... I did meet a boy. I won't say much as like to keep somethings to myself for the time being and the fact that he also knows abut my blog would be a factor lol. I do have to keep somethings a mystery don't I ??? BUt will say this he is lovely.

Hugo Chavez the kitten is a thug. Yep I picked the biggest thug at the shelter and brought him home. He has blended in so well here its as if he has always been in our home and hearts.

And now it is October. Thanksgiving is like 2 days away and my birthday is only 25 days away !! Yikes 29 and still searching for that happiness. September did not bring it fully but who knows maybe October will.
I will say this about September. It is a month to realize you are never to wish your days away. It is a month to relish in an amaing summer. It is a month to relive memories that put a smile and warmth in your heart. It is the month to reflect and recharge yourself.
September for me has been the month that I came out of my funk and saw sunshine again. It is a month to remember who my friends are and what they mean to me ( Aron !! xo) It is a month to open ones heart and to realize that not all things will hurt or scare you. It is my month to let go of ghosts and demons and remember I am a person that thrives on love and attention.

Roll on October !!!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Obsessively Listening over and over an over ........


Ok those who know me know I love my music and could never ever live without it. I am also known to fixate on certian bands or songs at certian times.

Currently it has been The Fray and and the Canadian icon that is Sam Roberts. I mean seriously listening over and over


However .... I have a new fixation right now and it is one song in particular. I have no idea why but damn I play it over and over ( the boys in the shop office are about ready to kill me lol ! )


Its David Grey ( yes yes yet more melencholy shit however it is good shit ha ! ) It is from the Life in Slow Motion Album


It is the 3rd track on the Album. There is something about the song but I have no idea what it is but I do love it like you would not believe. He has a voice that pierces your heart and sticks in your mind for a lifetime. He is yet another song writer that makes you "think" he makes your brain tick as you listen to him. This is music I like music that forces me to listen as it has a story or a purpose behind it.

Don not get me wrong I LOVE fluff music. Throw some rap or rnb on and I will shake my money maker but you know sometimes you just want something to make you tick musically

This song makes me tick musically

"Lately"

That the sky would lift That I'd find my place That I'd see your face in the door And the sun would glint An a time well spent An a time that ain't no more

Taste the broken hearts In the vacant lots See the fruit that rots on the trees Try to turn my head Leave it all for dead But it's in my mind always

Honey lately I've been way down A load on my mind Honey lately I've been way down Load on my mind

Someone tell me where did it go Darling I'm damned if i know I seen that look in your eye No-one ever gave it a chance I could have said in advance You saw it all at a glance And goodbye

Drag a salted kiss From this cup of bliss Watch a new lie twist on the breeze

You can paint it red Leave it all for dead But it's in my head always

Honey lately I've been way down A load on my mind Honey lately I've been way down Load on my mind

Someone tell me where did it go Darling I'm damned if i know Iseen that look in your eye No-one ever gave it a chance I could have said in advance You saw it all at a glance And goodbye

Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye

Honey lately i've been way down Honey lately i've been way down Honey lately i've been way down Honey lately i've been way down

Lately Lately

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Setting the Record Straight

Someone recently asked me via the internet and face book “why I was always so unhappy”
Now when I first read this a few answers and comebacks bounced into my apparent depressed brain (I am not depressed let me make that clear, that was sarcasm)
Firstly I thought “you do not know me so why would you ask me such a question without knowing the facts or the reasoning’s behind my down times.
Secondly I then thought : Well I did post my current unhappiness on the internet for all and sundry to read however that still gives no one person the right to question my feelings.
Then I began to think. I am not depressed. I am simply in a down period in my life. I need to make a few things clear to people so hear I go:

I have moved back to a country that is so very foreign to me even though it is my true home. I have been away for almost 6 years and I have been back only 9 months. There is a lot of readjusting to do for me to do. I left the most amazing friend base in the UK to come to a non existent friend base in Canada. Seriously zero friends. It was like being in grade 2 all over again and looking around a room at everyone thinking “please like me” but in a much grander scale then a grade 2 class room.

I had a long relationship with someone in the UK that ended on the worst terms ever. It did end long before I left the UK however it was still hovering heavily on my heart. So that also made me (god I hate this term) “damaged goods”. So now when I think about relationships I cannot help but compare to the past experiences which I believe is only natural really but it does put a damper on things really lol lol.

I had a home in the UK although small it was perfectly formed!! I mean really small ha! But the point is that it was my home. Here I have had to move back home to live with my mum. This is soooo not a bad thing but when you are 28 and when you have spent the last 6 years of your life depending solely upon yourself it is a serious slam back down to reality.

I touched on the falling for as friend thing previously and I will not deny that this has played a major role in the current “Louisa’s Merriground moods” It was a mistake but not a mistake I would EVER take back in my life time. It did however send me spiraling downhill when I waved him off back home that Saturday. What it also did was make me crave I mean absolutely crave to have a relationship. In the same light that scares me as I am worried I will “settle” for what ever comes my way and that is never a good thing.

The point of blogs, live journals, notes, online diaries is to be able to voice your current state of mind, your thoughts, beliefs and feelings. So you know what I will continue to write about them and you know what if anyone does not like hearing about it or reading about it …simply do not read it. I make the choice to post it you make the choice to read it.
(P.S I am actually a very funny girl by the way lol and I laugh endlessly and from the heart. I do not want to swallow a load of pills cut my wrists, throw myself in front of a very fast moving train or jump of anything high. I will have a drink however on occasion …pretty sure that’s allowed lol???)

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Expectations to High or Being Realistic ???

Ok so I went on a date today. This is a good thing for multiple reasons mainly that someone actually requested to go on a date with me lol ol ( yes I am being self depricating I know)

It was a good date. We had a good meal. We had a good conversation. We had good interaction. We had a good time. The point is that it was " good" it was not " sparks" nor was it " wow ".

He was a nice looking guy witha great heart on him I mean he paid ! Trust me I have had dates that have got out the calculator to fgureout how much each of us owes so paying is good !
But he was not good enough I am thinking.
Am I being unrealistic in wanting a really good looking guy . By good looking I mean 8 not 10 but not below 8. I am now going to be brutally honest. I.AM.NOT.A.8. I would rate myself at about a 6 and thats pushing it. I am NOT running myself down or being cruel I am however being realistic and honest and truthfull with myself. That is the honest truth I am 6 at best. BUt I am 6 that would really like a 8 on her arms for christ sakes lol
But that is not the main thing ...seriously its not. The main thing is as follows:
I need someone who will stand up to me. Some one who is strong and fast witted. Someone who can slam my ass down to reality when I get to big for my boots. I REALLY need someone who will make me laugh to the point of wetting myself. I know like 2 people that can do that right now guy wise. Mason as he is just so god damn funny and can just make me giggle. And a guy I work with seriously makes me laugh with the fastest sense of wicked humor I know. I seriously know few other men who can do that to me. Both are very very funny and smart which is always a bonus.
I did not get this on my date which is a serious issue I think. I need those things as mentioned above. I cannot have someone who will let me walk all over them but at the same time I do not need clingy and overbaring, its a very fine line you know.
I also had one other tiny teeny little problem. I was throughout the date comparing him to a certian someone who I have mentioned befoe .I KNOW THIS IS BAD !! but I could not help myself for doing it. The whole time I was thinking of the certian someone and that was soooo not cool.
So do I have unrealistic expectations or to high. OR am I right in not settling for the first bone thrown at me ( no pun intended there)
I have also set myself up for a fall for liking guys that are sooo complicated. Guys that have so many issues that really they should walk around in neon green screaming ...I AM A MESS DO NOT SHOW THE REMOTEST SIGN OF INTEREST!! Guys that arehooked on someone else guys that do not know I exist guys that do not knwo what they want. Seriously its like I have radar for the wrong guys lol lol

I am lonely and I am sick of it you know ....its not fun I reccomend it to no one. I reccomend no one sleep alone and miss that feeling of someone in slumber beside you. I reccomend no one lacks sharing a morning paper or buying a cheap little present for someone becuase you feel like it. I reccomend no one goes to sleep at night looking over at the otherside of the bed and just .....wishing .....

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

My Spruce Meadows Weekend and General Update


I had a brilliant time in Calgary this weekend. A seriously good time. It was so nice to spend time with Aron. Plus it was a major big bonus to meet Beth, Arons friend, the girl rocks and I hope we can become good friends as she is my kind of people if you know what I mean.


So the hotel was sooooo nice very posh and very pretty. I felt like the poor girl going into the castle slightly !! We went out for dinner on Friday to Wild Ginger and it was truly very nice :-)


Saturday we saw the Nations Cup at Spruce. I have so many amazing pictures it is unreal. We had amazing seats hence amazing pics like this:












So those were Satrudays pics. There are so many more but I willnot bore you will just move on to Sundays pics lol !!






The Grey was my dram horse and the current world champ from Belgium, Jos Lansink.


So as you can see it was a amazing time the girls and I had a brilliant time together and there were no issues what so ever!!
On Saturday nighht we went out to donner which was kindly bought by Aron's "Man friend" who we will call G which was so very nice of him and really kind....as it was not CHEAP !! lol

Really like G and I am so very happy for Aron. I am crossing my fingers that it works out supper well for her. So that was my weekend

Now for a update: I am sick. I have no idea what it is but I feel like shit currently. I wish to crawl into bed in a ball and die presently...ok that may be slightly dramatic but you get the general idea.

Oh and I met a boy of sorts. Thats all I am really saying as I am not jinx a damn thing but we are going out soon and I will let you know what happens. He seems very nice and very down to earth which is exactly what I need right now. Actually I would take just about anything right now to be truthful...i have gone past the picky stage I think ....

Thursday, September 06, 2007

You Know Secretly.....

You know secretly I want kids.

I have always professed the biggest dislike of children however secretly I think I do eventually want them you know.

I do not know why this is but I do know part of the reason why I always said I never want them. I have this great fear of having kids with completely the wrong person. I want my potential children to have the coolest dad in the world. But a dad who is a dad not a friend. I want my potential kids to have a dad who they can turn to and a dad they can giggle with as small toddlers, cry with as adolsecents and have proper adult belly laughters with when they are adults.
I do think this is hard to find in most men. You know all the men I dated I could never see them as fathers. It was impossible to see it. Maybe that is art of the reason I have always been so negative about it. Maybe it is because I had the most amazing father who was a FATHER ! He knew what he was doing you know.
I also think that part of the reason I never wanted them is I was scared of losing the independence I have in my life ( note: the independence is slowly turning into wandering loner who will never settle down..not such a good thing) But I do love my independence and the thought of having to give that up for a small person is slightly not cool.

Saying all that the ore I think about it the more I know eventually I do want them. I have very close guy friends that I would love to see as fathers ( I am so not saying father of mine however if in 10 years nothing is going on then their services may be needed ha !! ) they would make the most amazingly cool dads but see they have to find the right mothers.

So yes secretly I want kids. I have no idea when and lets face it I am destined to be single forever at this rate as no one seems all that interested in the goods. But yes secretly I want the life sucking little midgets ...opps that was my inside voice escaping there .....

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Canada v.s England

So one of my nameless comment people got me thinking about my Canada versus England situation. I am always asked "Do you miss living in England?" or " Is it better here then there?" When I was in the UK I always got the comment " You grew up in Canada and came to live here ...why?!"

So I reckon I would do the old pros and cons thing for you all tonight.

The Worst bits of England

The rain. Yes it rains endlessly there. I say it is the worst bit however you do actually tune it out and begin to get to a point where you simply do not notice it but it still sucks

The costs of SOME things. Not all things are pricey if you know where to look. But things like fruit and Gas are so expensive.

The constant stream of asylum seakers. it is a problem there. When I first moved I did not see the issue with it. However by the time I left it was bad. There are a endless stream of them and a lot, not all, are not really asylum seakers by any stretch of the imagination.

The lack of bank holidays. England sucks in that department !! the rest of Europe has like 3 or 4 more a year dammit !

Bad rental flats. Seriously they are bad. There is no such thing as moving into a clean flat. You are promised at least a good 2 days of cleaning before you dare take your shoes off !

The cost of housing is so high. To get a tiny 300 sq foot flat it is going to cost you at least 900 a month no bills or council tax included those are are extra just for your pleasure !

The Worst of Canada ( yes there is such a thing)
The endless winters. I love skiing and winter and snow however 6-7 months of the year is so excessive!
The fashion. It is bad and it is like 12 months behind Europe ! Why is it we are still in hip hugging jeans and pants when whats in over there is high wasited which is sooo much better ! oh and the shoes are better in Europe then here
The loud people. I am a loud girl but after almost 10 months of being back my ears still hurt from the volume of human voices here.
The drivers!!!! You all suck sorry guys it is true. There is a fast/passing lane and a rest of traffic lane. If you are ot passing pull the fuck over. Really there are so many bad drivers here !
The roads to they are bad here. I can safely say in years of driving in the UK I never hit a pothole.
The men. Sorry fellas. But the men here are terrible. they have no idea how to behave around a women. They have no idea on how to dress themselves or fashion, how to present themselves and how tobe a gentleman. I have yet to meet a guy who makes my heart flutter ...i am destined to be single in Canada
The cost of flying!!! to damn expensive here its silly
The music. There are amazing Canadian artists however not to the extent of Britian and they are few and far between.

The Best of England
FISH AND CHIPS!! Enough said

The men. Oh my god the men. Guys over there do not like skinny skinmny girls they like normal girls. The majority know how to sweet talk a girl. They know how to dress how to look good. They are the ones the ones that chase there not the women. I neverhad a problem dating there like I do here

The friends I made. It is so much easier to make friends there then here. Here I feel like a outsider like I do not quiet fit in the puzzle. I feel like a londer and wanderer here.

The fashion !! oh lord it is good there

The social life. Socially they are much better in the UK. They are also not as clique there.

Spring. The season of spring over there is unreal. The smells, the sights the everything

The best of Canada
Its Canada. Its like the dream country for the majority of the world.

The mountians ! hey they are simply breathtaking!

Skiing. Hmm god Ilove to be able to have the ability to just go skiing any old time I want to

Family and home. This is home and where my family is, need i say more??

Cheaper beer. Oh and it is stronger lol

Trees and ski. You know I never saw the stars when I was in the UK Here i see the stars every night !

Canada day! we are so proud of it here you know


So there is a bref lol list. I am going to say this though, I crave england. If I had the means an the money I would live there. I seem to have a connection there that I do not have here. I have friends I miss more then the world and that willalways pull my heart strings. I love Canada and it is my " forever home" but there is a emotional pull towards the UK and and comfortability there. I felt more at easy in my skin in the UK hen I ever will here.
Here I feel out of mydepths as though I will never fit in anywhere. I am more of a loner here and I seem to ge down much more quickly here and find it hard to pull myself out of it here. Where as in the UK I would get down but it would last almost seconds.

But I made the decsion to come back and I am back. I am not one to back down from a challenge so I am sticking it out but some times I need that encouragement and friend base.
I need more of that in my life I think
Lonely and awkward is never a nice feeling you know.....

My Neurotic Weekend Away with Glamazons....

So this Friday I am off down south to Calgary. Aron one of my oldest friends who I have mentioned in previous posts has kindly invited me. It is the Spruce Meadows Masters for show jumping.
For as long as I can remember I have had a great connection with Spruce Meadows. It is the place where stuff is made of dreams. It is stunningly beautiful and the most amazing show to watch!
So yeah I am very excited about the Masters part. I am however some what nervous about the people stuff. Let me explain * be warned Louisa neurotic shit about to commence*

I am a pretty “ ordinary girl” I am not a glamazon or a skinny mini nor am I a cheerleader type. I am a normal ordinary girl. Aron however is a glamazon and pretty much all her friends are. Now do not take this the wrong way. In no way is Aron rude, snobby mean or like the “ Mean girls” in the movies, she to is actually a very normal girl. But I am still worried I am going to feel so out of place and awkward. I am normally pretty good at putting a show of being A okay on however this one is going to be a hard show I reckon.
I have worried about what to wear for the last 3 weeks SERIOUSLY 3 weeks. See we are going to 2 of the hottest clubs there as VIP’s and so will be going into full blown glamazon territory!
I actually at one point considered backing out and begging off. I voiced this concern to Amason the other night and he promptly kicked me verbally in the ass and advised me that Aron would actually be hurt if I did not go and that she genuinely deeply cares for me…guilt trip worked no backing out for me.
SOOO I am going to put on a damn good show of it this weekend. I am going to try and not let my neurotic thought patterns drive me over the edge and just get on with it! So I will enjoy myself, party the nights away and stare in awe at the best riders in the world during the day !
So wish me luck….. I actually think I may need it this time to hold myself together ……

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Its September ...God damn Its September People

Do you realize it is September ?!?!

Its exactly 3 months minus a few days till Christmas
It is exactly 2 months and 10 days ( roundabout) to Thanksgiving ( for fellow Cannucks)
Its 2 months and 18 days ( sorta) till my dan 29 th Birthday !

God this year has gone so quickly. It is so true what they say. As you get older life seems to begin to fly by ! I do wish it would slow down ! I mean there are so many things I need to sort out in my life and I seem to be running out of blood ti,e. I mean chiefly I need to stop being a near 29 year old living in her mum's basement and strike out and get a piece of land to build on ( oh yeah forgot to tell you that one,I am looking for a piece of land so I can build my own house the way I want it ) yeah so back to that thing living in your mothers basement at 29 is not cool ! Sepember seems to have bourght that realization upon me.
September is still a broken hearted month for me as the end of August was. I have never been one to focus on a boy that is unattainable however for some reason the before mentioned man ( not boy really is he) seem s to have pulled all the heartstrings I possess. I wish it were not the case. I am normally pretty good at steam rolling over things like this moving on and chucking self at some thing new ...not this time!
September however is likely one of my favorite months if I am honest. It is the transition month in the Calander. Its when leaves start to turn. Its when geese fly south in mass flocks. Its when kids go back to school or go to school for the first time. Its the transition into the holiday seasons. Starting with Thanksgiving and ending with New Years eve.I would like to make it my transition month. I wil be truthful and say I am not sure I will be able to but I can make a good go of it can't I ?
I am planning on quitting smoking. I think I have had enough of it now and its time. So September is not only going to be remembered as the transition month but as the " Louisa turned into a fire breathing raving bitch" I am sure you will hear about it if it comes about though people.

So yeah September people its here! So here is to September being the month of clean slates. The month of fresh starts and mending hearts. To the month of beauty and long journeys home.
To one of the nicest months in the year I reckon
Happy September all !

Friday, August 31, 2007

Have you Ever Longed for Something to Happen ....NOW!!!

Well have you ? Have you ever dreamed that thing has happened ? Have you ever woken up in the morning think that dream is real?
Then have you realized after that few seconds of happy sleepy just woken up time that it all just came crashing down round your wrinkled and tossed up bed at the realization thatin fact you were dreaming ??
Well I have and I keep doing it every single god damn morning for the last week ! I am not sleeping well. I am going to sleep each night with the last concious thought being of that and then realizing if I make it my last thougt it only means I am going to dream about it ...again but at that point it is to late the seed has been planted.

So this is the thing all: My friend from the UK who you have all ready about is seriously considering imigrating over here to Canada. In fact I think he has pretty much made up his mind. I want him to be sure he is making a good judgement call for himself. I know he is but he needs to realize he is it is not for me to decide or sway him ( inside I am screaming MOVE NOW DAMMIT ! )
So I have been doing all this research for him. OH MY GOD ! It is sooo hard to get in this damn cold country lol. He actually completely qualifies for a skilled worker however it is a min 5 year wait!!!
There is a much easier option which is a PNP ( Provincal Nomination Plan) basically if he gets a job offer from a company here and the province agrees that it is a under pressure career and they have exhausted all avenues to find a employee then they can hire him. It takes as little as 6 months but the normal time length is roughly 10 - 12 months !
This is a good thing. Finding a mploer willing to go through the paper work is the hard thing.
So for now that longing feeling will have to just stay put as there is nothing I can do about it. It is out of my hands
Anyone got a job going ??

Thursday, August 30, 2007

In Memory Of My Dad

Today is the 9th aniversary of Dad passing away. He would not have liked us to be moping around, depressed and feeling sorry for ourselves. And to be honest we never really have it is not the style of our family, we do not operate that way.

Dad died of a massive heart attack. He had a severe heart condition for the majority of his life. He was on the heart transplant list but alas never made it. He got 18% of the blood and oxygen to his body where others would obviously get more. It never slowed him down.
Dad was insane. Slightly off kilter and very much a English Gentleman and Officer. He had a voice that could be heard over acres and acres of land ( this may have been why he was going so very deaf ! ) He had a personality that could quite literally take over a room in a instant.

He was also a deeply stubborn man, drove mum made to no end. He was not good at admitting when he was wrong and he could be so A type personailty about things. Like every Sunday dad would empty all the spice and food cupboards and re arrange them ...I mean honestly who does that ???

He helped mum raise 3 pretty damn good kids if I do say so myself. He taught the three of use the difference between right and wrong, what morality and integrity is and most of all he taught us to be true to ourselves.

Nine years has flown by at sucha rapid speed. I was still in my teens and Alex was in her first year of Uni. And as for George, well George had the weight of the worlds on his 16 year old shoulders. He handled it fairly well considering. Mum had the most to deal with. # rather unruly kids one dead husband and a business to continue running and by god she did and still does it.

I truly believe if dad could see us now he would be so imensely proud. He has 3 kids that have done so so well for themselves. He has a son about to become a teacher which he would have lovewd. Alex would have been the absolute apple of his eye working at NATO and being in political sciences and me well I think he would have been proud of my time alone away from home my maturity and well for being me really.
Mum he would have been sooooo chuffed with. She kept the business going she kept us going as a family.
So Dad you are missed greatly but I think you would have to admit your family has done alright but we still miss you every single day

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Monthly Update - Yes a New Thing for You All

So I have decided to do a monthly update of the excitment or the mundane that I have been up to each month. Just thought would mix it up a little. So here we go August update ( yes yes there is like 4 days left in August but honestly I do not lead that exciting a life to warrent waiting 4 days )
August:
August has been my month of re awakening to me, to who I am and what I want out of life ( do not worry funny shit has happened as well as sad shit)
Firstly will get slightlydepressing or not so funny stuff done.
I fell in a round about way love with my best friend ( see previous posts for gory details) it did me the world of good as it made me realise basically I am not dead. It made me feel wanted again. It made me feel great and heartbroken all at once.

My best friend Mason came ( related to above statement) IT rocked. It made me miss the UK something fierce. But it also made me remember who are my true friends in life and people who know me best.
We went to the island ( Saltspring) This was possibly the funniest times of my life.
Between spending time with family and the boys ( Allan Rocardo, George, Chris, and Elliot) it was a laugh a minute. From Hot bozxing in a hot box. To shot gunning beers at 10:30 in the morning it was wild times. We skinny dipped at 2 int he morning in the ocean and we bought large amounts of BC pot ( smoked large amounts) We tried to catch deer , completely failures at it due to the fact simply that deer are pretty damn fast things you know ! Plus a few had some decent sized antlers ! ( note: no deer were harmed in this process...a few drunk/high humans may have been though)
Mason and I had sooo much fun and not only did I fnd myself again but I found Saltspring again and fell so in love with it all over again. I can see it as home in the future .... not yet but the possiblities are there for it to be seen as home.
I went on my first floatplane ride and flying takes on a whole new meaning !
Some sad news. Cleoleo my ever so lovely cat vanished while we were away. I was and still am pretty devestated about it. No doubt he was doing what he loved when he went which was basically ...killing shit. A lot of effort was put into finding him but it has now been almost a month and he is not back.
Not to jump the gun but this weekend I went and got myself a new kitten. I missed having a cat about me as they are such characters. Sooo we have a new member of the family. Boddington. He is a 2 and half month old tabby kitten and a complete individual ! He stood out to me when I went to the SPCA and knew he was the one!
Also this month I threw myself full on into riding full time again. Thunder has taught me how to be fearless all over again. He is massive at about 18 hands high and full of himself. He has helped me with the whole heartbroken thing. I go out for excessively long hacks on him now and it seems to clear my mind completely of all things.
So generally life is good. I have become fast friends with my oldest friend in the world after a 10 year gap . Aron has made me feel pretty chuffed and happy with myself and she has most defiantly helped me realize that really I rock that I am a beautiful girl and life is one big adventure.
So rol on September lets make it a damn good one !

Friday, August 24, 2007

I Swear I am not Normally a Self Pity Fool ...But I am Right Now

So Seriously those who read me regularly ( I now know there is more then 2 there are threee...I have a lurking anynomous who seems pleasant enough and very polite) know I am normally pretty upbeat or even fiesty at times. I like to have a moan about the things that send me round the bend and back ( like the shitty drivers over here in Canada ...damn the gets my goat) and I do try to keep it light and entertaining most times.
But I also believe that the purpose behind a blog is to be able to let out what is wrong, what angers you and what hurts you. It is for a person the vent and rage.
I want to vent and rage!! I have not let a boy get under my skin as much as him and the strange thing is I have no idea why I have let it do this??
I have managed to stop the random feelings of dispair but have replaced them with doubting thoughts of " di it really happen??" or " OMG what the fuck did I go and do that for" or thoughts of " will he come back ..SOON ?"
I also know that this will pass as everything else in life does. So this thought is what keeps me from turning into a crazy single late 20 something pining for something that will like never come to fruition.
Poor Thunder the horse is taking a battering as the only thing that seems to completely clear and void my head of any thoughts is going out for stupidly long rides with Thunder. Due to the fact that I have to put every thought into the horse when riding him it means no other thoughts seem to invade the empty places in my mind.
So yes I am a self pity fool right now. Yes I feel deeply sorry for myself and well in a odd sort of way what I lost a week ago. Put again " this to will pass"