Thursday, September 20, 2007

Obsessively Listening over and over an over ........

Ok those who know me know I love my music and could never ever live without it. I am also known to fixate on certian bands or songs at certian times.

Currently it has been The Fray and and the Canadian icon that is Sam Roberts. I mean seriously listening over and over

However .... I have a new fixation right now and it is one song in particular. I have no idea why but damn I play it over and over ( the boys in the shop office are about ready to kill me lol ! )

Its David Grey ( yes yes yet more melencholy shit however it is good shit ha ! ) It is from the Life in Slow Motion Album

It is the 3rd track on the Album. There is something about the song but I have no idea what it is but I do love it like you would not believe. He has a voice that pierces your heart and sticks in your mind for a lifetime. He is yet another song writer that makes you "think" he makes your brain tick as you listen to him. This is music I like music that forces me to listen as it has a story or a purpose behind it.

Don not get me wrong I LOVE fluff music. Throw some rap or rnb on and I will shake my money maker but you know sometimes you just want something to make you tick musically

This song makes me tick musically


That the sky would lift That I'd find my place That I'd see your face in the door And the sun would glint An a time well spent An a time that ain't no more

Taste the broken hearts In the vacant lots See the fruit that rots on the trees Try to turn my head Leave it all for dead But it's in my mind always

Honey lately I've been way down A load on my mind Honey lately I've been way down Load on my mind

Someone tell me where did it go Darling I'm damned if i know I seen that look in your eye No-one ever gave it a chance I could have said in advance You saw it all at a glance And goodbye

Drag a salted kiss From this cup of bliss Watch a new lie twist on the breeze

You can paint it red Leave it all for dead But it's in my head always

Honey lately I've been way down A load on my mind Honey lately I've been way down Load on my mind

Someone tell me where did it go Darling I'm damned if i know Iseen that look in your eye No-one ever gave it a chance I could have said in advance You saw it all at a glance And goodbye

Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye

Honey lately i've been way down Honey lately i've been way down Honey lately i've been way down Honey lately i've been way down

Lately Lately

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Setting the Record Straight

Someone recently asked me via the internet and face book “why I was always so unhappy”
Now when I first read this a few answers and comebacks bounced into my apparent depressed brain (I am not depressed let me make that clear, that was sarcasm)
Firstly I thought “you do not know me so why would you ask me such a question without knowing the facts or the reasoning’s behind my down times.
Secondly I then thought : Well I did post my current unhappiness on the internet for all and sundry to read however that still gives no one person the right to question my feelings.
Then I began to think. I am not depressed. I am simply in a down period in my life. I need to make a few things clear to people so hear I go:

I have moved back to a country that is so very foreign to me even though it is my true home. I have been away for almost 6 years and I have been back only 9 months. There is a lot of readjusting to do for me to do. I left the most amazing friend base in the UK to come to a non existent friend base in Canada. Seriously zero friends. It was like being in grade 2 all over again and looking around a room at everyone thinking “please like me” but in a much grander scale then a grade 2 class room.

I had a long relationship with someone in the UK that ended on the worst terms ever. It did end long before I left the UK however it was still hovering heavily on my heart. So that also made me (god I hate this term) “damaged goods”. So now when I think about relationships I cannot help but compare to the past experiences which I believe is only natural really but it does put a damper on things really lol lol.

I had a home in the UK although small it was perfectly formed!! I mean really small ha! But the point is that it was my home. Here I have had to move back home to live with my mum. This is soooo not a bad thing but when you are 28 and when you have spent the last 6 years of your life depending solely upon yourself it is a serious slam back down to reality.

I touched on the falling for as friend thing previously and I will not deny that this has played a major role in the current “Louisa’s Merriground moods” It was a mistake but not a mistake I would EVER take back in my life time. It did however send me spiraling downhill when I waved him off back home that Saturday. What it also did was make me crave I mean absolutely crave to have a relationship. In the same light that scares me as I am worried I will “settle” for what ever comes my way and that is never a good thing.

The point of blogs, live journals, notes, online diaries is to be able to voice your current state of mind, your thoughts, beliefs and feelings. So you know what I will continue to write about them and you know what if anyone does not like hearing about it or reading about it …simply do not read it. I make the choice to post it you make the choice to read it.
(P.S I am actually a very funny girl by the way lol and I laugh endlessly and from the heart. I do not want to swallow a load of pills cut my wrists, throw myself in front of a very fast moving train or jump of anything high. I will have a drink however on occasion …pretty sure that’s allowed lol???)

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Expectations to High or Being Realistic ???

Ok so I went on a date today. This is a good thing for multiple reasons mainly that someone actually requested to go on a date with me lol ol ( yes I am being self depricating I know)

It was a good date. We had a good meal. We had a good conversation. We had good interaction. We had a good time. The point is that it was " good" it was not " sparks" nor was it " wow ".

He was a nice looking guy witha great heart on him I mean he paid ! Trust me I have had dates that have got out the calculator to fgureout how much each of us owes so paying is good !
But he was not good enough I am thinking.
Am I being unrealistic in wanting a really good looking guy . By good looking I mean 8 not 10 but not below 8. I am now going to be brutally honest. I.AM.NOT.A.8. I would rate myself at about a 6 and thats pushing it. I am NOT running myself down or being cruel I am however being realistic and honest and truthfull with myself. That is the honest truth I am 6 at best. BUt I am 6 that would really like a 8 on her arms for christ sakes lol
But that is not the main thing ...seriously its not. The main thing is as follows:
I need someone who will stand up to me. Some one who is strong and fast witted. Someone who can slam my ass down to reality when I get to big for my boots. I REALLY need someone who will make me laugh to the point of wetting myself. I know like 2 people that can do that right now guy wise. Mason as he is just so god damn funny and can just make me giggle. And a guy I work with seriously makes me laugh with the fastest sense of wicked humor I know. I seriously know few other men who can do that to me. Both are very very funny and smart which is always a bonus.
I did not get this on my date which is a serious issue I think. I need those things as mentioned above. I cannot have someone who will let me walk all over them but at the same time I do not need clingy and overbaring, its a very fine line you know.
I also had one other tiny teeny little problem. I was throughout the date comparing him to a certian someone who I have mentioned befoe .I KNOW THIS IS BAD !! but I could not help myself for doing it. The whole time I was thinking of the certian someone and that was soooo not cool.
So do I have unrealistic expectations or to high. OR am I right in not settling for the first bone thrown at me ( no pun intended there)
I have also set myself up for a fall for liking guys that are sooo complicated. Guys that have so many issues that really they should walk around in neon green screaming ...I AM A MESS DO NOT SHOW THE REMOTEST SIGN OF INTEREST!! Guys that arehooked on someone else guys that do not know I exist guys that do not knwo what they want. Seriously its like I have radar for the wrong guys lol lol

I am lonely and I am sick of it you know ....its not fun I reccomend it to no one. I reccomend no one sleep alone and miss that feeling of someone in slumber beside you. I reccomend no one lacks sharing a morning paper or buying a cheap little present for someone becuase you feel like it. I reccomend no one goes to sleep at night looking over at the otherside of the bed and just .....wishing .....

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

My Spruce Meadows Weekend and General Update

I had a brilliant time in Calgary this weekend. A seriously good time. It was so nice to spend time with Aron. Plus it was a major big bonus to meet Beth, Arons friend, the girl rocks and I hope we can become good friends as she is my kind of people if you know what I mean.

So the hotel was sooooo nice very posh and very pretty. I felt like the poor girl going into the castle slightly !! We went out for dinner on Friday to Wild Ginger and it was truly very nice :-)

Saturday we saw the Nations Cup at Spruce. I have so many amazing pictures it is unreal. We had amazing seats hence amazing pics like this:

So those were Satrudays pics. There are so many more but I willnot bore you will just move on to Sundays pics lol !!

The Grey was my dram horse and the current world champ from Belgium, Jos Lansink.

So as you can see it was a amazing time the girls and I had a brilliant time together and there were no issues what so ever!!
On Saturday nighht we went out to donner which was kindly bought by Aron's "Man friend" who we will call G which was so very nice of him and really it was not CHEAP !! lol

Really like G and I am so very happy for Aron. I am crossing my fingers that it works out supper well for her. So that was my weekend

Now for a update: I am sick. I have no idea what it is but I feel like shit currently. I wish to crawl into bed in a ball and die presently...ok that may be slightly dramatic but you get the general idea.

Oh and I met a boy of sorts. Thats all I am really saying as I am not jinx a damn thing but we are going out soon and I will let you know what happens. He seems very nice and very down to earth which is exactly what I need right now. Actually I would take just about anything right now to be truthful...i have gone past the picky stage I think ....

Thursday, September 06, 2007

You Know Secretly.....

You know secretly I want kids.

I have always professed the biggest dislike of children however secretly I think I do eventually want them you know.

I do not know why this is but I do know part of the reason why I always said I never want them. I have this great fear of having kids with completely the wrong person. I want my potential children to have the coolest dad in the world. But a dad who is a dad not a friend. I want my potential kids to have a dad who they can turn to and a dad they can giggle with as small toddlers, cry with as adolsecents and have proper adult belly laughters with when they are adults.
I do think this is hard to find in most men. You know all the men I dated I could never see them as fathers. It was impossible to see it. Maybe that is art of the reason I have always been so negative about it. Maybe it is because I had the most amazing father who was a FATHER ! He knew what he was doing you know.
I also think that part of the reason I never wanted them is I was scared of losing the independence I have in my life ( note: the independence is slowly turning into wandering loner who will never settle down..not such a good thing) But I do love my independence and the thought of having to give that up for a small person is slightly not cool.

Saying all that the ore I think about it the more I know eventually I do want them. I have very close guy friends that I would love to see as fathers ( I am so not saying father of mine however if in 10 years nothing is going on then their services may be needed ha !! ) they would make the most amazingly cool dads but see they have to find the right mothers.

So yes secretly I want kids. I have no idea when and lets face it I am destined to be single forever at this rate as no one seems all that interested in the goods. But yes secretly I want the life sucking little midgets ...opps that was my inside voice escaping there .....

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Canada v.s England

So one of my nameless comment people got me thinking about my Canada versus England situation. I am always asked "Do you miss living in England?" or " Is it better here then there?" When I was in the UK I always got the comment " You grew up in Canada and came to live here ...why?!"

So I reckon I would do the old pros and cons thing for you all tonight.

The Worst bits of England

The rain. Yes it rains endlessly there. I say it is the worst bit however you do actually tune it out and begin to get to a point where you simply do not notice it but it still sucks

The costs of SOME things. Not all things are pricey if you know where to look. But things like fruit and Gas are so expensive.

The constant stream of asylum seakers. it is a problem there. When I first moved I did not see the issue with it. However by the time I left it was bad. There are a endless stream of them and a lot, not all, are not really asylum seakers by any stretch of the imagination.

The lack of bank holidays. England sucks in that department !! the rest of Europe has like 3 or 4 more a year dammit !

Bad rental flats. Seriously they are bad. There is no such thing as moving into a clean flat. You are promised at least a good 2 days of cleaning before you dare take your shoes off !

The cost of housing is so high. To get a tiny 300 sq foot flat it is going to cost you at least 900 a month no bills or council tax included those are are extra just for your pleasure !

The Worst of Canada ( yes there is such a thing)
The endless winters. I love skiing and winter and snow however 6-7 months of the year is so excessive!
The fashion. It is bad and it is like 12 months behind Europe ! Why is it we are still in hip hugging jeans and pants when whats in over there is high wasited which is sooo much better ! oh and the shoes are better in Europe then here
The loud people. I am a loud girl but after almost 10 months of being back my ears still hurt from the volume of human voices here.
The drivers!!!! You all suck sorry guys it is true. There is a fast/passing lane and a rest of traffic lane. If you are ot passing pull the fuck over. Really there are so many bad drivers here !
The roads to they are bad here. I can safely say in years of driving in the UK I never hit a pothole.
The men. Sorry fellas. But the men here are terrible. they have no idea how to behave around a women. They have no idea on how to dress themselves or fashion, how to present themselves and how tobe a gentleman. I have yet to meet a guy who makes my heart flutter ...i am destined to be single in Canada
The cost of flying!!! to damn expensive here its silly
The music. There are amazing Canadian artists however not to the extent of Britian and they are few and far between.

The Best of England
FISH AND CHIPS!! Enough said

The men. Oh my god the men. Guys over there do not like skinny skinmny girls they like normal girls. The majority know how to sweet talk a girl. They know how to dress how to look good. They are the ones the ones that chase there not the women. I neverhad a problem dating there like I do here

The friends I made. It is so much easier to make friends there then here. Here I feel like a outsider like I do not quiet fit in the puzzle. I feel like a londer and wanderer here.

The fashion !! oh lord it is good there

The social life. Socially they are much better in the UK. They are also not as clique there.

Spring. The season of spring over there is unreal. The smells, the sights the everything

The best of Canada
Its Canada. Its like the dream country for the majority of the world.

The mountians ! hey they are simply breathtaking!

Skiing. Hmm god Ilove to be able to have the ability to just go skiing any old time I want to

Family and home. This is home and where my family is, need i say more??

Cheaper beer. Oh and it is stronger lol

Trees and ski. You know I never saw the stars when I was in the UK Here i see the stars every night !

Canada day! we are so proud of it here you know

So there is a bref lol list. I am going to say this though, I crave england. If I had the means an the money I would live there. I seem to have a connection there that I do not have here. I have friends I miss more then the world and that willalways pull my heart strings. I love Canada and it is my " forever home" but there is a emotional pull towards the UK and and comfortability there. I felt more at easy in my skin in the UK hen I ever will here.
Here I feel out of mydepths as though I will never fit in anywhere. I am more of a loner here and I seem to ge down much more quickly here and find it hard to pull myself out of it here. Where as in the UK I would get down but it would last almost seconds.

But I made the decsion to come back and I am back. I am not one to back down from a challenge so I am sticking it out but some times I need that encouragement and friend base.
I need more of that in my life I think
Lonely and awkward is never a nice feeling you know.....

My Neurotic Weekend Away with Glamazons....

So this Friday I am off down south to Calgary. Aron one of my oldest friends who I have mentioned in previous posts has kindly invited me. It is the Spruce Meadows Masters for show jumping.
For as long as I can remember I have had a great connection with Spruce Meadows. It is the place where stuff is made of dreams. It is stunningly beautiful and the most amazing show to watch!
So yeah I am very excited about the Masters part. I am however some what nervous about the people stuff. Let me explain * be warned Louisa neurotic shit about to commence*

I am a pretty “ ordinary girl” I am not a glamazon or a skinny mini nor am I a cheerleader type. I am a normal ordinary girl. Aron however is a glamazon and pretty much all her friends are. Now do not take this the wrong way. In no way is Aron rude, snobby mean or like the “ Mean girls” in the movies, she to is actually a very normal girl. But I am still worried I am going to feel so out of place and awkward. I am normally pretty good at putting a show of being A okay on however this one is going to be a hard show I reckon.
I have worried about what to wear for the last 3 weeks SERIOUSLY 3 weeks. See we are going to 2 of the hottest clubs there as VIP’s and so will be going into full blown glamazon territory!
I actually at one point considered backing out and begging off. I voiced this concern to Amason the other night and he promptly kicked me verbally in the ass and advised me that Aron would actually be hurt if I did not go and that she genuinely deeply cares for me…guilt trip worked no backing out for me.
SOOO I am going to put on a damn good show of it this weekend. I am going to try and not let my neurotic thought patterns drive me over the edge and just get on with it! So I will enjoy myself, party the nights away and stare in awe at the best riders in the world during the day !
So wish me luck….. I actually think I may need it this time to hold myself together ……

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Its September ...God damn Its September People

Do you realize it is September ?!?!

Its exactly 3 months minus a few days till Christmas
It is exactly 2 months and 10 days ( roundabout) to Thanksgiving ( for fellow Cannucks)
Its 2 months and 18 days ( sorta) till my dan 29 th Birthday !

God this year has gone so quickly. It is so true what they say. As you get older life seems to begin to fly by ! I do wish it would slow down ! I mean there are so many things I need to sort out in my life and I seem to be running out of blood ti,e. I mean chiefly I need to stop being a near 29 year old living in her mum's basement and strike out and get a piece of land to build on ( oh yeah forgot to tell you that one,I am looking for a piece of land so I can build my own house the way I want it ) yeah so back to that thing living in your mothers basement at 29 is not cool ! Sepember seems to have bourght that realization upon me.
September is still a broken hearted month for me as the end of August was. I have never been one to focus on a boy that is unattainable however for some reason the before mentioned man ( not boy really is he) seem s to have pulled all the heartstrings I possess. I wish it were not the case. I am normally pretty good at steam rolling over things like this moving on and chucking self at some thing new ...not this time!
September however is likely one of my favorite months if I am honest. It is the transition month in the Calander. Its when leaves start to turn. Its when geese fly south in mass flocks. Its when kids go back to school or go to school for the first time. Its the transition into the holiday seasons. Starting with Thanksgiving and ending with New Years eve.I would like to make it my transition month. I wil be truthful and say I am not sure I will be able to but I can make a good go of it can't I ?
I am planning on quitting smoking. I think I have had enough of it now and its time. So September is not only going to be remembered as the transition month but as the " Louisa turned into a fire breathing raving bitch" I am sure you will hear about it if it comes about though people.

So yeah September people its here! So here is to September being the month of clean slates. The month of fresh starts and mending hearts. To the month of beauty and long journeys home.
To one of the nicest months in the year I reckon
Happy September all !