Thursday, November 08, 2007

Just When I Thought.....

Its always hard to write about things in a anonymous way for me. I am such a personal person that I can't do the "hypothetical friend" sotries or the "what if" stories or the " I have a a friend of a friend" stories very well. So I will try my hardest to make this entry as anonymous as possible.

You know just when I thought or started to believe things were rolling my way ...bang brick wall. It took a huge amount of courage I suppose for me to throw myself back into the dating world. I, as written previously, have major brick walls that take a aweful lot to tear down. I have them up for so many reasons I cannot even begin to explain on here as they are that personal and most people do not know about them not even most of my best friends. So suffice to say for me to let even one of those walls down takes a huge amount out of me both emotionally and mentally.
When I am told that things may not happen the way I was hoping then I tend to feel slightly disgarded. This is completely not the other persons fault it has to be said. This is something so beyond and out of their control that I am actually very understanding about it and what ever decsions are made make complete sense to me even before they are made.

However the minute I realised that things were not going to go the way I had wished that brick wall slowly or even rapidly started re-building itself! I have finally felt comfortable with someone else for the first time in a long long time. I have finally let myself go a little enjoyed myself and well had fun and its sort of back fired on me.
Do I have some sort of seek and destroy beacon attached to my body. Do I have some sort of sign that god has pinned on me like the tail on a donkey that says " get her gaurd down boys and then watch the fun commence" lol Seriously I laugh but really I am not laughing out of fun or hilarity I am laughing at the joke that seems to be becoming my relationship life. In fact as I type this i have my head slightly turned so all the macho welders cannot see the tear that insists on welling up in my eye ! damn tear lol
I think that what really gets me is this was not a serious thing yet in anyway there were things still nit picking at me that I was trying to figure out. However clearly it meant more then I may have at first thought
So its is potentially back to square 1 for me yet again. You know what I am not sure I can go through the hassle of trying to get to square 2 3 and 4 again. It is so much effort for me to get there and feel safe there. I was getting there or at least to square 2 and yes I did feel safe.

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