Obsessively Listening over and over an over ........

Ok those who know me know I love my music and could never ever live without it. I am also known to fixate on certian bands or songs at certian times.

Currently it has been The Fray and and the Canadian icon that is Sam Roberts. I mean seriously listening over and over

However .... I have a new fixation right now and it is one song in particular. I have no idea why but damn I play it over and over ( the boys in the shop office are about ready to kill me lol ! )

Its David Grey ( yes yes yet more melencholy shit however it is good shit ha ! ) It is from the Life in Slow Motion Album

It is the 3rd track on the Album. There is something about the song but I have no idea what it is but I do love it like you would not believe. He has a voice that pierces your heart and sticks in your mind for a lifetime. He is yet another song writer that makes you "think" he makes your brain tick as you listen to him. This is music I like music that forces me to listen as it has a story or a purpose behind it.

Don not get me wrong I LOVE fluff music. Throw some rap or rnb on and I will shake my money maker but you know sometimes you just want something to make you tick musically

This song makes me tick musically

"Lately"

That the sky would lift That I'd find my place That I'd see your face in the door And the sun would glint An a time well spent An a time that ain't no more

Taste the broken hearts In the vacant lots See the fruit that rots on the trees Try to turn my head Leave it all for dead But it's in my mind always

Honey lately I've been way down A load on my mind Honey lately I've been way down Load on my mind

Someone tell me where did it go Darling I'm damned if i know I seen that look in your eye No-one ever gave it a chance I could have said in advance You saw it all at a glance And goodbye

Drag a salted kiss From this cup of bliss Watch a new lie twist on the breeze

You can paint it red Leave it all for dead But it's in my head always

Honey lately I've been way down A load on my mind Honey lately I've been way down Load on my mind

Someone tell me where did it go Darling I'm damned if i know Iseen that look in your eye No-one ever gave it a chance I could have said in advance You saw it all at a glance And goodbye

Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye

Honey lately i've been way down Honey lately i've been way down Honey lately i've been way down Honey lately i've been way down

Lately Lately

Setting the Record Straight

Someone recently asked me via the internet and face book “why I was always so unhappy”
Now when I first read this a few answers and comebacks bounced into my apparent depressed brain (I am not depressed let me make that clear, that was sarcasm)
Firstly I thought “you do not know me so why would you ask me such a question without knowing the facts or the reasoning’s behind my down times.
Secondly I then thought : Well I did post my current unhappiness on the internet for all and sundry to read however that still gives no one person the right to question my feelings.
Then I began to think. I am not depressed. I am simply in a down period in my life. I need to make a few things clear to people so hear I go:

I have moved back to a country that is so very foreign to me even though it is my true home. I have been away for almost 6 years and I have been back only 9 months. There is a lot of readjusting to do for me to do. I left the most amazing friend base in the UK to come to a non existent friend base in Canada. Seriously zero friends. It was like being in grade 2 all over again and looking around a room at everyone thinking “please like me” but in a much grander scale then a grade 2 class room.

I had a long relationship with someone in the UK that ended on the worst terms ever. It did end long before I left the UK however it was still hovering heavily on my heart. So that also made me (god I hate this term) “damaged goods”. So now when I think about relationships I cannot help but compare to the past experiences which I believe is only natural really but it does put a damper on things really lol lol.

I had a home in the UK although small it was perfectly formed!! I mean really small ha! But the point is that it was my home. Here I have had to move back home to live with my mum. This is soooo not a bad thing but when you are 28 and when you have spent the last 6 years of your life depending solely upon yourself it is a serious slam back down to reality.

I touched on the falling for as friend thing previously and I will not deny that this has played a major role in the current “Louisa’s Merriground moods” It was a mistake but not a mistake I would EVER take back in my life time. It did however send me spiraling downhill when I waved him off back home that Saturday. What it also did was make me crave I mean absolutely crave to have a relationship. In the same light that scares me as I am worried I will “settle” for what ever comes my way and that is never a good thing.

The point of blogs, live journals, notes, online diaries is to be able to voice your current state of mind, your thoughts, beliefs and feelings. So you know what I will continue to write about them and you know what if anyone does not like hearing about it or reading about it …simply do not read it. I make the choice to post it you make the choice to read it.
(P.S I am actually a very funny girl by the way lol and I laugh endlessly and from the heart. I do not want to swallow a load of pills cut my wrists, throw myself in front of a very fast moving train or jump of anything high. I will have a drink however on occasion …pretty sure that’s allowed lol???)

Expectations to High or Being Realistic ???

Ok so I went on a date today. This is a good thing for multiple reasons mainly that someone actually requested to go on a date with me lol ol ( yes I am being self depricating I know)

It was a good date. We had a good meal. We had a good conversation. We had good interaction. We had a good time. The point is that it was " good" it was not " sparks" nor was it " wow ".

He was a nice looking guy witha great heart on him I mean he paid ! Trust me I have had dates that have got out the calculator to fgureout how much each of us owes so paying is good !
But he was not good enough I am thinking.
Am I being unrealistic in wanting a really good looking guy . By good looking I mean 8 not 10 but not below 8. I am now going to be brutally honest. I.AM.NOT.A.8. I would rate myself at about a 6 and thats pushing it. I am NOT running myself down or being cruel I am however being realistic and honest and truthfull with myself. That is the honest truth I am 6 at best. BUt I am 6 that would really like a 8 on her arms for christ sakes lol
But that is not the main thing ...seriously its not. The main thing is as follows:
I need someone who will stand up to me. Some one who is strong and fast witted. Someone who can slam my ass down to reality when I get to big for my boots. I REALLY need someone who will make me laugh to the point of wetting myself. I know like 2 people that can do that right now guy wise. Mason as he is just so god damn funny and can just make me giggle. And a guy I work with seriously makes me laugh with the fastest sense of wicked humor I know. I seriously know few other men who can do that to me. Both are very very funny and smart which is always a bonus.
I did not get this on my date which is a serious issue I think. I need those things as mentioned above. I cannot have someone who will let me walk all over them but at the same time I do not need clingy and overbaring, its a very fine line you know.
I also had one other tiny teeny little problem. I was throughout the date comparing him to a certian someone who I have mentioned befoe .I KNOW THIS IS BAD !! but I could not help myself for doing it. The whole time I was thinking of the certian someone and that was soooo not cool.
So do I have unrealistic expectations or to high. OR am I right in not settling for the first bone thrown at me ( no pun intended there)
I have also set myself up for a fall for liking guys that are sooo complicated. Guys that have so many issues that really they should walk around in neon green screaming ...I AM A MESS DO NOT SHOW THE REMOTEST SIGN OF INTEREST!! Guys that arehooked on someone else guys that do not know I exist guys that do not knwo what they want. Seriously its like I have radar for the wrong guys lol lol

I am lonely and I am sick of it you know ....its not fun I reccomend it to no one. I reccomend no one sleep alone and miss that feeling of someone in slumber beside you. I reccomend no one lacks sharing a morning paper or buying a cheap little present for someone becuase you feel like it. I reccomend no one goes to sleep at night looking over at the otherside of the bed and just .....wishing .....

My Spruce Meadows Weekend and General Update

I had a brilliant time in Calgary this weekend. A seriously good time. It was so nice to spend time with Aron. Plus it was a major big bonus to meet Beth, Arons friend, the girl rocks and I hope we can become good friends as she is my kind of people if you know what I mean.

So the hotel was sooooo nice very posh and very pretty. I felt like the poor girl going into the castle slightly !! We went out for dinner on Friday to Wild Ginger and it was truly very nice :-)

Saturday we saw the Nations Cup at Spruce. I have so many amazing pictures it is unreal. We had amazing seats hence amazing pics like this:

So those were Satrudays pics. There are so many more but I willnot bore you will just move on to Sundays pics lol !!

The Grey was my dram horse and the current world champ from Belgium, Jos Lansink.

So as you can see it was a amazing time the girls and I had a brilliant time together and there were no issues what so ever!!
On Saturday nighht we went out to donner which was kindly bought by Aron's "Man friend" who we will call G which was so very nice of him and really kind....as it was not CHEAP !! lol

Really like G and I am so very happy for Aron. I am crossing my fingers that it works out supper well for her. So that was my weekend

Now for a update: I am sick. I have no idea what it is but I feel like shit currently. I wish to crawl into bed in a ball and die presently...ok that may be slightly dramatic but you get the general idea.

Oh and I met a boy of sorts. Thats all I am really saying as I am not jinx a damn thing but we are going out soon and I will let you know what happens. He seems very nice and very down to earth which is exactly what I need right now. Actually I would take just about anything right now to be truthful...i have gone past the picky stage I think ....

You Know Secretly.....

You know secretly I want kids.

I have always professed the biggest dislike of children however secretly I think I do eventually want them you know.

I do not know why this is but I do know part of the reason why I always said I never want them. I have this great fear of having kids with completely the wrong person. I want my potential children to have the coolest dad in the world. But a dad who is a dad not a friend. I want my potential kids to have a dad who they can turn to and a dad they can giggle with as small toddlers, cry with as adolsecents and have proper adult belly laughters with when they are adults.
I do think this is hard to find in most men. You know all the men I dated I could never see them as fathers. It was impossible to see it. Maybe that is art of the reason I have always been so negative about it. Maybe it is because I had the most amazing father who was a FATHER ! He knew what he was doing you know.
I also think that part of the reason I never wanted them is I was scared of losing the independence I have in my life ( note: the independence is slowly turning into wandering loner who will never settle down..not such a good thing) But I do love my independence and the thought of having to give that up for a small person is slightly not cool.

Saying all that the ore I think about it the more I know eventually I do want them. I have very close guy friends that I would love to see as fathers ( I am so not saying father of mine however if in 10 years nothing is going on then their services may be needed ha !! ) they would make the most amazingly cool dads but see they have to find the right mothers.

So yes secretly I want kids. I have no idea when and lets face it I am destined to be single forever at this rate as no one seems all that interested in the goods. But yes secretly I want the life sucking little midgets ...opps that was my inside voice escaping there .....

Canada v.s England

So one of my nameless comment people got me thinking about my Canada versus England situation. I am always asked "Do you miss living in England?" or " Is it better here then there?" When I was in the UK I always got the comment " You grew up in Canada and came to live here ...why?!"

So I reckon I would do the old pros and cons thing for you all tonight.

The Worst bits of England

The rain. Yes it rains endlessly there. I say it is the worst bit however you do actually tune it out and begin to get to a point where you simply do not notice it but it still sucks

The costs of SOME things. Not all things are pricey if you know where to look. But things like fruit and Gas are so expensive.

The constant stream of asylum seakers. it is a problem there. When I first moved I did not see the issue with it. However by the time I left it was bad. There are a endless stream of them and a lot, not all, are not really asylum seakers by any stretch of the imagination.

The lack of bank holidays. England sucks in that department !! the rest of Europe has like 3 or 4 more a year dammit !

Bad rental flats. Seriously they are bad. There is no such thing as moving into a clean flat. You are promised at least a good 2 days of cleaning before you dare take your shoes off !

The cost of housing is so high. To get a tiny 300 sq foot flat it is going to cost you at least 900 a month no bills or council tax included those are are extra just for your pleasure !

The Worst of Canada ( yes there is such a thing)
The endless winters. I love skiing and winter and snow however 6-7 months of the year is so excessive!
The fashion. It is bad and it is like 12 months behind Europe ! Why is it we are still in hip hugging jeans and pants when whats in over there is high wasited which is sooo much better ! oh and the shoes are better in Europe then here
The loud people. I am a loud girl but after almost 10 months of being back my ears still hurt from the volume of human voices here.
The drivers!!!! You all suck sorry guys it is true. There is a fast/passing lane and a rest of traffic lane. If you are ot passing pull the fuck over. Really there are so many bad drivers here !
The roads to they are bad here. I can safely say in years of driving in the UK I never hit a pothole.
The men. Sorry fellas. But the men here are terrible. they have no idea how to behave around a women. They have no idea on how to dress themselves or fashion, how to present themselves and how tobe a gentleman. I have yet to meet a guy who makes my heart flutter ...i am destined to be single in Canada
The cost of flying!!! to damn expensive here its silly
The music. There are amazing Canadian artists however not to the extent of Britian and they are few and far between.

The Best of England
FISH AND CHIPS!! Enough said

The men. Oh my god the men. Guys over there do not like skinny skinmny girls they like normal girls. The majority know how to sweet talk a girl. They know how to dress how to look good. They are the ones the ones that chase there not the women. I neverhad a problem dating there like I do here

The friends I made. It is so much easier to make friends there then here. Here I feel like a outsider like I do not quiet fit in the puzzle. I feel like a londer and wanderer here.

The fashion !! oh lord it is good there

The social life. Socially they are much better in the UK. They are also not as clique there.

Spring. The season of spring over there is unreal. The smells, the sights the everything

The best of Canada
Its Canada. Its like the dream country for the majority of the world.

The mountians ! hey they are simply breathtaking!

Skiing. Hmm god Ilove to be able to have the ability to just go skiing any old time I want to

Family and home. This is home and where my family is, need i say more??

Cheaper beer. Oh and it is stronger lol

Trees and ski. You know I never saw the stars when I was in the UK Here i see the stars every night !

Canada day! we are so proud of it here you know


So there is a bref lol list. I am going to say this though, I crave england. If I had the means an the money I would live there. I seem to have a connection there that I do not have here. I have friends I miss more then the world and that willalways pull my heart strings. I love Canada and it is my " forever home" but there is a emotional pull towards the UK and and comfortability there. I felt more at easy in my skin in the UK hen I ever will here.
Here I feel out of mydepths as though I will never fit in anywhere. I am more of a loner here and I seem to ge down much more quickly here and find it hard to pull myself out of it here. Where as in the UK I would get down but it would last almost seconds.

But I made the decsion to come back and I am back. I am not one to back down from a challenge so I am sticking it out but some times I need that encouragement and friend base.
I need more of that in my life I think
Lonely and awkward is never a nice feeling you know.....

My Neurotic Weekend Away with Glamazons....

So this Friday I am off down south to Calgary. Aron one of my oldest friends who I have mentioned in previous posts has kindly invited me. It is the Spruce Meadows Masters for show jumping.
For as long as I can remember I have had a great connection with Spruce Meadows. It is the place where stuff is made of dreams. It is stunningly beautiful and the most amazing show to watch!
So yeah I am very excited about the Masters part. I am however some what nervous about the people stuff. Let me explain * be warned Louisa neurotic shit about to commence*

I am a pretty “ ordinary girl” I am not a glamazon or a skinny mini nor am I a cheerleader type. I am a normal ordinary girl. Aron however is a glamazon and pretty much all her friends are. Now do not take this the wrong way. In no way is Aron rude, snobby mean or like the “ Mean girls” in the movies, she to is actually a very normal girl. But I am still worried I am going to feel so out of place and awkward. I am normally pretty good at putting a show of being A okay on however this one is going to be a hard show I reckon.
I have worried about what to wear for the last 3 weeks SERIOUSLY 3 weeks. See we are going to 2 of the hottest clubs there as VIP’s and so will be going into full blown glamazon territory!
I actually at one point considered backing out and begging off. I voiced this concern to Amason the other night and he promptly kicked me verbally in the ass and advised me that Aron would actually be hurt if I did not go and that she genuinely deeply cares for me…guilt trip worked no backing out for me.
SOOO I am going to put on a damn good show of it this weekend. I am going to try and not let my neurotic thought patterns drive me over the edge and just get on with it! So I will enjoy myself, party the nights away and stare in awe at the best riders in the world during the day !
So wish me luck….. I actually think I may need it this time to hold myself together ……

Its September ...God damn Its September People

Do you realize it is September ?!?!

Its exactly 3 months minus a few days till Christmas
It is exactly 2 months and 10 days ( roundabout) to Thanksgiving ( for fellow Cannucks)
Its 2 months and 18 days ( sorta) till my dan 29 th Birthday !

God this year has gone so quickly. It is so true what they say. As you get older life seems to begin to fly by ! I do wish it would slow down ! I mean there are so many things I need to sort out in my life and I seem to be running out of blood ti,e. I mean chiefly I need to stop being a near 29 year old living in her mum's basement and strike out and get a piece of land to build on ( oh yeah forgot to tell you that one,I am looking for a piece of land so I can build my own house the way I want it ) yeah so back to that thing living in your mothers basement at 29 is not cool ! Sepember seems to have bourght that realization upon me.
September is still a broken hearted month for me as the end of August was. I have never been one to focus on a boy that is unattainable however for some reason the before mentioned man ( not boy really is he) seem s to have pulled all the heartstrings I possess. I wish it were not the case. I am normally pretty good at steam rolling over things like this moving on and chucking self at some thing new ...not this time!
September however is likely one of my favorite months if I am honest. It is the transition month in the Calander. Its when leaves start to turn. Its when geese fly south in mass flocks. Its when kids go back to school or go to school for the first time. Its the transition into the holiday seasons. Starting with Thanksgiving and ending with New Years eve.I would like to make it my transition month. I wil be truthful and say I am not sure I will be able to but I can make a good go of it can't I ?
I am planning on quitting smoking. I think I have had enough of it now and its time. So September is not only going to be remembered as the transition month but as the " Louisa turned into a fire breathing raving bitch" I am sure you will hear about it if it comes about though people.

So yeah September people its here! So here is to September being the month of clean slates. The month of fresh starts and mending hearts. To the month of beauty and long journeys home.
To one of the nicest months in the year I reckon
Happy September all !

Have you Ever Longed for Something to Happen ....NOW!!!

Well have you ? Have you ever dreamed that thing has happened ? Have you ever woken up in the morning think that dream is real?
Then have you realized after that few seconds of happy sleepy just woken up time that it all just came crashing down round your wrinkled and tossed up bed at the realization thatin fact you were dreaming ??
Well I have and I keep doing it every single god damn morning for the last week ! I am not sleeping well. I am going to sleep each night with the last concious thought being of that and then realizing if I make it my last thougt it only means I am going to dream about it ...again but at that point it is to late the seed has been planted.

So this is the thing all: My friend from the UK who you have all ready about is seriously considering imigrating over here to Canada. In fact I think he has pretty much made up his mind. I want him to be sure he is making a good judgement call for himself. I know he is but he needs to realize he is it is not for me to decide or sway him ( inside I am screaming MOVE NOW DAMMIT ! )
So I have been doing all this research for him. OH MY GOD ! It is sooo hard to get in this damn cold country lol. He actually completely qualifies for a skilled worker however it is a min 5 year wait!!!
There is a much easier option which is a PNP ( Provincal Nomination Plan) basically if he gets a job offer from a company here and the province agrees that it is a under pressure career and they have exhausted all avenues to find a employee then they can hire him. It takes as little as 6 months but the normal time length is roughly 10 - 12 months !
This is a good thing. Finding a mploer willing to go through the paper work is the hard thing.
So for now that longing feeling will have to just stay put as there is nothing I can do about it. It is out of my hands
Anyone got a job going ??

In Memory Of My Dad

Today is the 9th aniversary of Dad passing away. He would not have liked us to be moping around, depressed and feeling sorry for ourselves. And to be honest we never really have it is not the style of our family, we do not operate that way.

Dad died of a massive heart attack. He had a severe heart condition for the majority of his life. He was on the heart transplant list but alas never made it. He got 18% of the blood and oxygen to his body where others would obviously get more. It never slowed him down.
Dad was insane. Slightly off kilter and very much a English Gentleman and Officer. He had a voice that could be heard over acres and acres of land ( this may have been why he was going so very deaf ! ) He had a personality that could quite literally take over a room in a instant.

He was also a deeply stubborn man, drove mum made to no end. He was not good at admitting when he was wrong and he could be so A type personailty about things. Like every Sunday dad would empty all the spice and food cupboards and re arrange them ...I mean honestly who does that ???

He helped mum raise 3 pretty damn good kids if I do say so myself. He taught the three of use the difference between right and wrong, what morality and integrity is and most of all he taught us to be true to ourselves.

Nine years has flown by at sucha rapid speed. I was still in my teens and Alex was in her first year of Uni. And as for George, well George had the weight of the worlds on his 16 year old shoulders. He handled it fairly well considering. Mum had the most to deal with. # rather unruly kids one dead husband and a business to continue running and by god she did and still does it.

I truly believe if dad could see us now he would be so imensely proud. He has 3 kids that have done so so well for themselves. He has a son about to become a teacher which he would have lovewd. Alex would have been the absolute apple of his eye working at NATO and being in political sciences and me well I think he would have been proud of my time alone away from home my maturity and well for being me really.
Mum he would have been sooooo chuffed with. She kept the business going she kept us going as a family.
So Dad you are missed greatly but I think you would have to admit your family has done alright but we still miss you every single day

Monthly Update - Yes a New Thing for You All

So I have decided to do a monthly update of the excitment or the mundane that I have been up to each month. Just thought would mix it up a little. So here we go August update ( yes yes there is like 4 days left in August but honestly I do not lead that exciting a life to warrent waiting 4 days )
August:
August has been my month of re awakening to me, to who I am and what I want out of life ( do not worry funny shit has happened as well as sad shit)
Firstly will get slightlydepressing or not so funny stuff done.
I fell in a round about way love with my best friend ( see previous posts for gory details) it did me the world of good as it made me realise basically I am not dead. It made me feel wanted again. It made me feel great and heartbroken all at once.

My best friend Mason came ( related to above statement) IT rocked. It made me miss the UK something fierce. But it also made me remember who are my true friends in life and people who know me best.
We went to the island ( Saltspring) This was possibly the funniest times of my life.
Between spending time with family and the boys ( Allan Rocardo, George, Chris, and Elliot) it was a laugh a minute. From Hot bozxing in a hot box. To shot gunning beers at 10:30 in the morning it was wild times. We skinny dipped at 2 int he morning in the ocean and we bought large amounts of BC pot ( smoked large amounts) We tried to catch deer , completely failures at it due to the fact simply that deer are pretty damn fast things you know ! Plus a few had some decent sized antlers ! ( note: no deer were harmed in this process...a few drunk/high humans may have been though)
Mason and I had sooo much fun and not only did I fnd myself again but I found Saltspring again and fell so in love with it all over again. I can see it as home in the future .... not yet but the possiblities are there for it to be seen as home.
I went on my first floatplane ride and flying takes on a whole new meaning !
Some sad news. Cleoleo my ever so lovely cat vanished while we were away. I was and still am pretty devestated about it. No doubt he was doing what he loved when he went which was basically ...killing shit. A lot of effort was put into finding him but it has now been almost a month and he is not back.
Not to jump the gun but this weekend I went and got myself a new kitten. I missed having a cat about me as they are such characters. Sooo we have a new member of the family. Boddington. He is a 2 and half month old tabby kitten and a complete individual ! He stood out to me when I went to the SPCA and knew he was the one!
Also this month I threw myself full on into riding full time again. Thunder has taught me how to be fearless all over again. He is massive at about 18 hands high and full of himself. He has helped me with the whole heartbroken thing. I go out for excessively long hacks on him now and it seems to clear my mind completely of all things.
So generally life is good. I have become fast friends with my oldest friend in the world after a 10 year gap . Aron has made me feel pretty chuffed and happy with myself and she has most defiantly helped me realize that really I rock that I am a beautiful girl and life is one big adventure.
So rol on September lets make it a damn good one !

I Swear I am not Normally a Self Pity Fool ...But I am Right Now

So Seriously those who read me regularly ( I now know there is more then 2 there are threee...I have a lurking anynomous who seems pleasant enough and very polite) know I am normally pretty upbeat or even fiesty at times. I like to have a moan about the things that send me round the bend and back ( like the shitty drivers over here in Canada ...damn the gets my goat) and I do try to keep it light and entertaining most times.
But I also believe that the purpose behind a blog is to be able to let out what is wrong, what angers you and what hurts you. It is for a person the vent and rage.
I want to vent and rage!! I have not let a boy get under my skin as much as him and the strange thing is I have no idea why I have let it do this??
I have managed to stop the random feelings of dispair but have replaced them with doubting thoughts of " di it really happen??" or " OMG what the fuck did I go and do that for" or thoughts of " will he come back ..SOON ?"
I also know that this will pass as everything else in life does. So this thought is what keeps me from turning into a crazy single late 20 something pining for something that will like never come to fruition.
Poor Thunder the horse is taking a battering as the only thing that seems to completely clear and void my head of any thoughts is going out for stupidly long rides with Thunder. Due to the fact that I have to put every thought into the horse when riding him it means no other thoughts seem to invade the empty places in my mind.
So yes I am a self pity fool right now. Yes I feel deeply sorry for myself and well in a odd sort of way what I lost a week ago. Put again " this to will pass"

Falling in Love with Riding Again ...And Possibly using It as A Replacement Too

So I have completely fallen in love with a passion I have had for years. I have ridden horses since the age of about 5 or so. I used to be really good. I showed regularly and was generally quite fearless...bordering stupid fearlessness lol

By stupid I mean I would push the limits of my abilities sometimes to not so good consquences lol. I have had great horses through out my life and ridden other peoples stunning monsters as well. My first show pony was Miss Piggy...her name suited her completely! She was the apple of my eye solely because she once threw my little sister off...straight into a rose bush, in my eyes she rocked from that day forth. I then had my first full time fully grown horse. Her name was morningside or Gladys for short ( no idea why lol ) anyway she wasa pig I mean seriously that horse looked pregnent every single day of her life. She had no mane as she rubbed it off and a short scraggly tail. She could jum p like no other horse I have ever owned. She LOVED to jump.

She was eventually sold due to me getting taller.

I am now riding Thunder. Thunder has made me fall in love with riding again. He is part clyde part percheron and maybe friesan no one is really sure. When I first started riding him for his owner he was a barrel a over grown barrel. So barrel like that I could only ride him 15 mins at a time as my hips would be in sheer agony! He knew noting about leg commands, nothing about voice commands nothing above a lumbering walk. Fast forward to today and 3 months later, he is a STUNNER, he has gone from the human version of a size 24 to a size 14. He answers beautifully to leg commands and voice. He is full of energy he never had before. He is like riding a giant charger ( he is a giant to be fair) . I adore nothing more now then going home after work and gym, saddling him up and vansihing down the roads and fields for hours at a time.

He has helped distract me from all the drama I have had for the last month in regards to broken heart. He listens when I natter away at him. He of course does not answer me back people ...I am not that crazy..only mildly off kilter.

I would really love to buy Thunder off his owner eventually, and I think he may sell him as seriously he has no idea how to handle him.

So Thunder has been my saving grace the last few weeks and my entertainment for the last 3 months. I look forward to starting lessons in dressage with him taught by Aron. I think he has serious potential once all the weight melts off him.

So thank you Thunder for being one hell of a beast to have fun with ..you rock !

Best friends, Close Friends and Acquaintances

You know I like to keep my friends close to me. But also I like to havea small friend base. This is solely for the reason that I can then spend and give more attention to the people that mean the most to me.
There are a few that will always stand out heads and shoulders above the rest by a million miles.
Firstly there is Mason which you have all heard about. Mason is one of the few people that I truly let my gaurd down with and well let it out. He also is the one person who can wind me up to no end and knows exactly what button to push to get that hieghtened reaction out of. God he is good at that lol
Amanda was one of my closest friends in the UK. She can make me giggle like no one !! Seriously she does not even need to speak she just needs to look at me and I am in fits. She was there with me through bad break ups with boyfriends. She was there when I was homesick and so fed up. The girl is down to earth and just rocks.

Last but not least Aron. I have known Aron since the age of 3. Yes 3!! We used to rule the monkey bars at Blueberry community hall. We were thick and fast friends. We went through Elementry to High School together. She was popular but never ever rude or discerning upon who she was friends with and I was quiet slightly picked on and really did not mix with school people. We shared and share a strong common bond of a love of horses, the magnificent beasts they are. I actually rode Arons old horse before she bought him ( that horse rocked my world) We drifted apart. She got married ( then divorced) I left the country and tried to find out who I was. 10 years later we got back in touch and you know it was like it had only been 10 hours since we had last spoken. I deeply regret not being here as a friend when she went through rough times such a big regret on that. Aron is one of the few people that can throw a compliment my way and I know it is truly from the heart and genuine! She is one of the most stunning women I know in the world yet she is NEVER big headed about it and I love her for that. She is by far one of the best horsewomen I have ever come across and I am envious ( not in a bad way ) of that. But most of all she is a true and beautiful friend
She has these great quotes on her facebook so thought I would write down my 2 favs of hers

" Turn your face to the sun and let the shadows fall behind you"
" Remember there are oceans between us......but thats not very far"

Rant,Affairs of the Heart, Music and General Babble Really

So no I am not a complete depressive the old me is still here and I am here to make you laugh.
Well at least chuckle out loud ok.
So first a babble:
Best ever Funny Moment of Trip to Saltspring:
Picture this Three grown boys sitting in a Sauna. They have just taken a naked dive at 2 in the morning in the ocean...needless to say they are cold hence the sauna. There is a lot of booze involved and pot. Boys are sitting there and decide they require a bowl of BC weed...BIG MISTAKE. Turns out smoking up in a hot Sauna is possibly not the wisest of moves. Saying that they are smoking pot drunk so wise moves were never on the cards really were they. And the this line came out of my little brothers mouth. A pure George classic in fact it is so good it needs to be a line in some American Pie style movie:
" Dudes do you realize we are hot boxing ....in a HOT BOX?????!!!"
Deadly serious he said this. I had to leave as I was choking on my own laughter at this point. Sheer and pure genius as far as I am concerned.
psst...your giggling or at least chuckling aren't you ??

Right Rant time:
ITS FREAKIN BLOODY ASS CHILLINGLY COLD!!! It is August in case you forgot and it is cold. So pissed about this damn weather. Woke up in the middle of the night last night unable to feel my arm due to fact that it was actually completely numb!! Need Mason back at least arms were taken care of then .....

Music time: I have fallen in love with music again. I am serious when I say I have not been listening to music almost at all for the last half year. I am not sure why just was not for some reason. Maybe partly because I was missing the British music scene so much. Anyway having Mason here did for some reason through me right back into my love of great tunes and music. It threw me back into the love of music for moments that it suits.
So this is my current list of addictions and trust me they are all over the damn board just so you know:
Tiesto New Album : I adore this album it is my music for driving into work sometimes. There is something about sunrise and letting the beats and sounds of his music just literally wash over me. Best tracks: 1 2 3 and 11 love 11
Sam Roberts: Firstly the man is Canadian so he rocks no matter what. My little Bro George introduced me to him when I came back. I bought the older album he did with the Taj mahal track on it and its my Sunday afternoon rocking to my own beat music. Best track : 1 7 well actually the whole damn album !!
and now for my biggest music addiction
The Fray: This album makes me cry every single song does it. It is the song writing that does it for me. These boys can write good old fashion songs. Songs with meaning and heart. When they sing these tunes you know they mean every word. You know every word is really and means something to them. I cry everytime. Other drivers look at the funny singing crying lady every day lol lol. Best tracks are 1 2 and 3. Track 1 " she is " because it is for guys (
and girls) who do not realize that "the" one is right infront of them that as they say " she is everything I need that I never knew I wanted" I know that feeling. Track 2 "Over my Head" because it is about wanting to know the truth about life and love and simply put being in over your head and having her in your mind head and soul constantly
Finally the one that has me crying all the time "How to save a life" . It is possibly the most meaningful peaceful and gut wrenching songs I have heard. It makes me relive all past relationships I have had both good and bad. It makes me think of the total fuck ups I have made and the ways I have been totally fucked about. It makes me think of all I have and all I have lost presently in a friendship and past in losing my dad. I reccomend you buy this album. Chose a sunny day not a dark day and sit down and listen to it through to the end. It is simply one of the best albums I have purchased. Some would call it slit your wrist music. I call it music that makes you think and that is rare
Finally Affairs of the Heart:
I am still utterly heartbroken...no change there people ..Heartbroken.......

If you Love Something and Let it Go .....

Have you ever figured out after the fact that you love someone and it is possibly to late? I have.
I have however the belief that all things happen for a reason. I am also of the belief that if you do let someone you love go then eventually they will come back to you in one form or another.

I am generally not a overly sentimental person. I tend to steam roll over most things when concerning affairs of the heart. I suppose it is my way of dealing with being or potenially being hurt or destroyed. I am not very good at dealing with the not so nice aspects of life. I am like bird sticking her head in the sand praying things go away. This time I have realized I cannot deal with things like this.
Do I tell people from now on and forever how I feel about them? Do I pour my heart out or do I keep that brick wall up and again pray for the best? I do not honestly know the answer to that yet.

I do know that I still have a heart I still have feelings and I can still love endlessly if I let myself. One thing I will attempt not to do is drown in saddness and self pity. If things are meant to be then things will happen for me and if they do not then that is life and fate.
So yes maybe I do believe in the old saying of
" If you love something let it go. If it loves you it will return"
Just maybe that will happen to me ...who knows

Off To London !

Thats right folks I am off to London...not for good. But for something I need to do. My heart is telling me that I need to go over there and re visit the last 6 years of my life in the UK.
But this time I am not going alone and well frankly not for 6 years ! Obnly for 10 days. I am taking one of my oldest and closest friends, Aron, to my country of love.

We are going for Easter. I found the most unreal penthouse right on the embankment of the Thames in Westminster. It is a unreal deal of 1400 for 9 days! the place is stunning.
I will not deny I am beyond excited about this trip and I could not think of a better person to travel with then Aron. I have known her all my life since the age of 3. We had not spoken in 10 years and when we started up again it felt as though it had only been 10hrs !!
So London watch out baby here we come !!!

That Lost Feeling

So now for the downer post.

This holiday has awakened something in me that I had forgotten about anf forgot I possessed. I need someone in my life. I will willingly admit that I was so wrong when I said that I like being single....I do not like that feeling.

I potentially fell for my best friend...HARD ! But you know what its a good thing as it did me good. All we did has in no way destroyed or changed our friendship I am thinking it actually made it that much stronger.

But now that my house is empty without the sarcastic and witty snips coming out of his mouth I feel so lost. It was never in the 6 years of knowing him my intent for this to happen and evenwhen it began I was very very resitent thinking it would only end in tears. In a way it did but not bad tears all good ones.
I am not so niave to believe that it would go anywhere. Firstly there is a entire ocean between us and secondly we are at completely different places in our lives. But he knows I am sure that I love him more then he can imagine and I would never stop and thats more then enough for me.

Leaving the airport gate yesterday was likely one of the hardest most heart wrenching things i had to do but you know what the key words are that I had to do it. I was ot a bubbling girl wailing. I had one break of very small tears pulled myself together and drove home. I drove home knowing I can be wanted and loved. I drove home knowing I had to change things in my life. I have to stop closing myself off to all possiblities.
So thank you Mase for teaching me that and so much more
Luv ya !

What I Did On My Summer Holidays

So I am back all ( yeah there are like 2 of you that actually read and even then no one comments. But the blog helps in keeping my sanity sometimes ) I am posting twice today a happy happy post and a slightly down post. So getting the happy one done first ...like to see you all flop in depression when you come off the high of a happy one lol )
I will be writing regularly now as think I really need to so I can get things off my chest and well just sound off.
So on with the happy happy post all. My best friend in the world has been over here from Peterborough for the last 3 weeks and I can safely say that they were some of the best 3 weeks of my life. We took him to our house on the west coast on Saltspring island. He fell in love with it. I am fairly sure he did not want to leave. Plus the trip made me fall in love with Saltspring all over again. See this is the place where mum will retire to when she sells the house here in Alberta. It pains me to think about the house being sold but after spending time on the island the pain slightly eased up.
So I am going to attach pics for you all to see:

Our beach at sunset. love it here very pretty and calm

We took a seaplane to Vancouver sooo cool
Mase giving evils to yet another pic !

"i cush your head" canadians will get this from kids in the hall Bro George and friend Allan stargazing on beach

The top of Mt. Maxwell looking out over Gulf Islands

Mase and I on the deck of Saltspring house

The entire group of us on a night out together

My Recent Hiatus ...Ok Laziness I am a big Liar !

My apologies for my shear laziness, and that’s what it has been for the most part if very truthful!! I am well not caught a deadly disease, not lost a limb or even come close to one. Would love to say absence has been due to a mad new relationship ….yeah seriously its not been just in case you were wondering. Mainly life has just got in the way.
So here is a update on life recently.
Firstly almost all dental work is now done I am finished with Doctor Death for the year ! I was put to sleep 3 weeks ago and they kindly did 8 fillings for me. I stand by the thought that you have to be a sick individual to want to be a dentist I mean come on so so not normal as far as I am concerned !
Right work is good but incrediably slow. We are lucky though we have pretty much free rein over the internet and so needless to say I am soooo caught up on all world events, wars and gossip I am a walking talking news station now ! lol
Home life is good. I moved into the massive newly decorated downstairs bedroom! Now this may seem nothing to be excited about but look at it this way. First off it is the biggest room I have had in 6 years I am sprawled across a massive room with a new massive bed !! Secondly and more importantly it is in the basement. This is good as it has been consitently above 30 degrees for the month of July and HUMID!! I am never hot down here it rocks beyond words people ! I am happy lady as mum made rasberry jam today. It evoked such strong childhood memories it was kinda like being on a acid trip ! All berries were picked by me in the scorching heat and so I am safe in the knowledge that if there were every a nuclear war I would have masses of rasberry jam to live off…hmmmm jam
I am riding almost every day now and fallen completely in love with it again and with the horse I am riding, Thunder. I want to buy my own pony asap but I am being practical and logical about this and holding off..plus I still like buying shoes and handbags WAY to much to give it up. So yes riding has given me thighs of steel and legs of iron again !! YEAH !! that’s highly attractive isn’t it ! lol
I am off to Saltspring island for summer holidays on Thursday. This is doubly good because my best friend in the world will be landing from the UK Wednesday. I cannot describe to you how excited Mason is bout it all and how child like he sounds it is all rather sweet. So I we will be taking float planes, going to Vancouver, visiting Victoria and generally doing all things touristy as well as drinoing swimming and RELAXIN ! Expect loads of pics to appear of course.
Right that’s it my life for the last oh month or so. Sorry its not more exciting. Will attempt to do some incrediably stupid shit and that way I can post about it for you all !! lol lol