Have You Ever........

Have you ever wanted to actually kill someone you work with ?

Have you ever then thought to yourself '' yes I could get away with this and even if they did catch me I will class it as self defense because my sanity is slowly but ever increasingly ebbing away''

and then have you ever thought '' yep all charges would be dropped as the justice system would fully agree with your self defense/temporary insanity plea''


Well I am currently at that stage ..... oh sweet lord above help me !!

Oh The Heat !

Oh good lord above it has been hot here. I am not one to complain about a little bit of good weather. However when it is weather that is slowly melting me quicker then the wicked witch of the east I will complain !

I have to say I was not prepared for the kind of heat we have recently been treated to here. Monday was warm at 30 but livable Tuesday was warmer still at 32 degrees not so nice plus in all my wisdom and forward thinking I went to the gym. Yep I am stupid and yes I regretted it but god damn did I sweat those pounds off !!!

And then there was yesterday ..... 34 and half degrees !!! Jesus it was hot and it was humid and it was gross. It was like walking in pea soup but not as tasty. You could see others visibly reeling backwards when they made their first steps outside the air conditioned building. You could then see them mouth the words ' fuck me !! Its hot !!' no shit Sherlock !

There are other downsides to this weather many to list. However the biggest downside is as follows: Pasty white skinny, not so attractive tattoo covered English men with there shirts off. Seriously it is enough to turn you off the male spieces !!! It is so so bad. Just as bad are the over weight, again possibly slightly unattractive, scally looking English girls that insist on showing as much wobbly skin as possible !!!! Its so bad.

So my campaign for shit weather to return. For all the bad taste uneducated masses to get dressed again and for my ' Manchester webbed feet' to return.

The Brown Boy

Today as promised to my lovely brown boy, Ricardo, I am going to write about him. Now we can call this a type of classified as I have a plan to sell this boy to the single women of the world. Although it cannot just be any old women she has to be at least smart, relatively good looking , smallish, and able to put up with Richie's ego as well ( yes you have a ego my boy and you know it!!!! ha ha )

Ricardo is actually one of my not so little brothers best friends and if I am honest probably turned out to be one of my best friends as he is the nicest guy out there.

Here is ' the brown boys heritage : Venezuelan,Peruvian,Swiss and Canadian ( god I hope I got that right ) As you can tell he is a basic bog standard Heinz 57 with a little Latin flavor thrown in for good measure.
*( before you get offended as some might, the brown boy reference is a term of affection from the Taylor family to him we also call him our house boy as well. Deep down we know he loves it !! )

Anyway he rocks in his own little Latin way. At Christmas he joined us all in the North for New Years in the UK, it was a experience I will never forget !!!!

Not only did he believe that all English women loved him ( some may have ) he also thought he had the best English accent ever !!! HE DIDN'T !! It was terrible in fact it was so so embarrassing when he did it in public that we all ran away as far as possible. On one occasion we all went shopping at Cheshire Oaks on the new years bank holiday. Richie and Phil ( other best mate, Very very tall Blonde Dutch Commando) decided that they were going to test their theory that the accent was perfection and worked at all times. As we walked through the packed Oaks both boys started yelling ' OI LOOK AT THESE FIT BIRDS WE ARE WITH !!!!!!!' My mum was so embarrassed and amused at the same time that she was laughing so hard she nearly wet herself and hiding behind any large object she could find!!! And that is Richie through and through takes the piss has a laugh and can be a giant yet lovable pain in the ass at times.

When ever he comes to visit us when we are at Mum's she always says after he leaves' what a lovely lovely guy ' sickening isn't it !!! We think she would love to pass him off as one of her own , be difficult considering he is the brown boy and we are as white as the driven snow. But I am sure she would find a way if she could.

So there is a taste of the Latin boy for you all and below a few pics as well ( you will soon see what I mean when I say he thinks he is gods gift !! ha ha ) I hope you enjoyed this rather long ramble about one person.
it had to be done. I can safely say that one of the reasons I am happy to move back home is because I can piss about with Richie when I get back and know a guaranteed good time and laugh is to be had !!!












' yes ladies I am ready and waiting all yours'














' I am the man and everyone knows it'













This boy loves his food and always charms his way into a good meal at Mum's

The Animals in My Life

I have a large amount of animals linked to me ( pets and the like that is !! ) so here are a few pictures of some of them for you . The only one missing is Clio/Leo the gender confused cat. I will some day attempt to pin him down and get a picture. By the way he has got a new obsession ......Bubbles the damn cat is in love with bubbles ..... God he is weird !

Ah Penny. This dog rocks !!!!! She leads the life of Riley with Mum now getting all the scraps, a pig ear every night before bed and she even has her own special blanket .... On mum's bed and sleeps with her . Like I said life of Riley !!!

Dikker. Possibly one of the fattest animals I have ever had in my life !!! Although mum has politely informed me that he has recently lost weight.....Where I ask where ?!?!

Edward the Donkey. Now he is possessed by Satan of the Donkey world but he is the coolest damn donkey of the underworld !!!

THUNDER !!!!! The biggest hugest horse ever seen !!! He looks big and he is big, Mum calls him Big Boy. He is actually as soft as a marshmallow give this boy food and he is yours for life !

So there you go a few animals for you to see !

I Have Returned from the Motherland

Hello all !!! So sorry not been very active on here. I have been in the homeland ( Canada ) and decided that I would not post whilst there as computers remind me of work to be frank!!!

I am going to be short on this post due to fact that I am jet lagged like a bastard right now and fear I may fall asleep and drool on my key board ha ha !!!

But here are some pictures for you all:

I had to put this one on as it is one of the very very if not the only photo I have ever liked of myself was so impressed !!!!

My lovely mum. Had a great time with her and the family and surprise surprise we did not even fight !!!!

My Uncle Murray and my brothers girlfriend the beautiful Amanda

AND FINALLY ....... My not so little brother on the left , George and his best friend and good friend to me as well Ricardo or otherwise known as ' The Latin lover'

Now there are loads more pics which will post over the next little while and tell you all more !!

Great Things

What more can a girl ask for when living in the UK and being Canadian more importantly Edmonton...... England winning there first match of the world cup ( a win is a win guys stop moaning !! )
AND
Edmonton winning game 3 of the Stanley cup final !!!

Yesterday I went to exchange square to watch the mighty lions and loved it. The atmosphere was wicked the weather was amazing and the beer was surprisingly cheap only downside :
SUNBURN !! Even with factor 20 on I was crispy like a duck all you need was the pancakes and hoi sin sauce !

Last night it got better. When I was just about to get to bed I flipped over and low and behold at 1 am that morning the hockey game was on live !!! I set my alarm for 1 am dragged self out of bed and managed to watch the first 2 quarters. I finally thought ' I am fallin asleep here record it you doozy mare ! ' so I did.
I just finished watching the 3rd quarter and jumped wooped and yelled in excitement in the plus 30 weather !!! They won !!! It was wicked !!

Anyway countdown to going home has begun. I have done nothing packed nothing cleaned very little and running out of time but it is just to hot !!
I found a amazing designer bag in TK Max and will likely treat myself ( 20 pounds reduced from 140 !! ) and the old hair is getting a well deserved chop tomorrow as well. So at least I have my priorities straight .... Yeah right !!! But at least I am less then a week from good old Canada and its greatness !

that's about it folks . Off to the center of the universe again *( Bracknell that is ) on Wednesday and Thursday and then fly out Saturday morning
Will keep you all up to date promise !
Lots of love and keep cool in this weather !
COME ON ENGLAND !!!
GO OILERS BLOODY GO !!!!

The Countdown Begins In So Many Ways

Yes it is time for my annually pilgrimage back to the mother land of snow ice and polar bears.

I fly out on the 17th and have to say I am so so looking forward to it!! My best mate Sarah is coming along for the magical mystery tour as well which makes it all the better.
Normally I am overly organized for these trips. You know suitcase packed 3 weeks in advance and feet itching to get on the plane. This time is different. Due to my weekly trips to the center of the world, otherwise known as Bracknell, I have been very limited on time and have organized nothing !! But it will all come right in the end and be fine
So yes look out Canada here I come !!!

* ( big shout out to the oilers !! My hockey team is in the final for the Stanley cup. Although they have lost the first 2 games of a 7 game series we all know they can do it !!
GO OILERS GO!!!!! )

Another major countdown is obviously the world cup, if you do not know that is about to kick off then you obviously live in a cupboard somewhere like a mushroom.
I do want England to do well and I will attempt not to be negative ....However......
I find it very odd that a entire nation and team place all there hopes on the shoulders of one 20 year old who is injured!! If they get over the fact that they may not have Wayne Rooney and just play the game then they may just do well.
First game Saturday I will be watching with bells and whistles at exchange square in center of Manchester with Sarah. Either way I am looking forward to it and can only cross fingers say a little prayer and think positive !!
COME ON ENGLAND BRING IT HOME !!!!! 40 YEARS IS TO LONG TO WAIT !!!

Windsor

Recently I have been traveling to my works office down south in Bracknell ( the center of the world ..... Really its no more like fourth dimension of hell ). Due to the fact that it does not appear Bracknell has any sort of hotel in it I always end up staying outside .... This is good ! Now because of this I have fallen in love with a place down here.... Windsor

I WANT TO LIVE HERE !!!!!

Honestly it is the most lovely pretty place ever. It is quiet, it is calm, there are no scallys ( at least none in sight more then likely locked up somewhere ) It is clean and pretty it is perfect. It is also impossible for me to live here due to the fact that it is fucking expensive people!! Seriously you need to be earning proper money to live here. But for some unknown reason that makes me want to live here even more.

See the thing is every street is full of what I would call my ideal English house: They are all lovely cottages and mill houses. They are all terraced ( I do actually like terraces but only the old ones like here because walls are really thick) They have beautiful sash windows and tiny walled front gardens. They are just damned cute!

Every time I am here I go for a walk around the area and must look like a peeping tomette because I just peer through every window as I walk by ( out of jealousy but also because simply I am one nosey cow )
I just like it here the place is nice plus it helps that it seems to be eternally sunny here as well

oh well grass is always greener on the other side isn't it ?

Crap Telly

I will be the first to admit that I have a slight issue with crap telly. By that I mean I watch it never endingly to a mind numbing point, its a disease I think ?
My family will fully agree with this. While they watch very little TV I watch never endingly. I may not always be watching it. Sometimes it is just background noise in the flat. But if it is particularly crap telly unlike most people I watch it whole heartily.

Does this make me a fool? Stupid? Or a person with no depth ? HELL NO !!! Society has created this type of TV viewing for a reason. For it to be watched and ultimately talked about by the ' water cooler' I believe it was created for a number of reasons but one sticks out most to me. I think the creators of crap telly did to see how long it would take for it to appear in non tabloid papers and one news worthy 'educated' programs. And guess what ? It has everyone !!

The biggest example of this in the UK is Big Brother. I think initially it was the show that was ' looked down upon' a show that is puerile crap and to be fair it was and in most ways still is. But now in its seventh year of running it has broken the mold of tabloid stories and appearing in papers like the independent and The guardian. They are writing serious articles about it and questioning the various issues that are now appearing on this years show.

To me it just proves that society has changed over time to accept these shows as not just ' noise in the background' put it on because there is nothing else to watch. They are watching it to see how human nature works live and uninterrupted ( aside from big brother throwing the housemates the odd curve ball but that's fun) It is bring up some serious issues otherwise not mentioned like bullying, isolation, stress reactions etc. It is no longer crap telly it is good TV viewing. It is enthralling, at times gripping, extremely funny and more importantly extremely sad as well. This show has everything about human interaction in society in one little house in some sound studio in some set lot somewhere in London. It Works.

Now for the fun ... The Housemates! Damn channel 4 has out done themselves this year. As well as sending in the normal ' I am destined to be a page 3 girl or a porn king' they have thrown some really interesting ones in this time. The one that stands out most is Pete. He has tourettes..... Get over it !!! The out cry from the high browed papers that he is being taken advantage of is utterly stupid and if anything insulting to Petes intelligence. He is not stupid he knew what he was doing and what he was going in to and good on him !! The man is bloody marvelous. Aside from that he whistles as one of his ticks and boy he can whistle. Meows when he sees a hot girl ( boy is meowing all the time ) and the best of all he says ' wanker' very randomly to anyone and everyone , irony at its best.

Take a minute watch it guarantee you will get hooked on it

Apparently not that Important after All

I just received my letter advising me of my pay increase before I tell you what they give me here is the history:
I have worked for this company for 2 years and 2 months I have had a total of a weeks ( 7 days sick ) in that time period. I have come in early and left late. I have taken on extra projects such as the one mentioned below and completed them.

They have given me a amazing 456 pound increase. This works out to after tax each month to £28.00
I can safely say I have never felt so under valued insulted and worthless to a employer as I presently feel. My wish to return to Canada leave this place and never look back has just been reaffirmed ifIi could go right now I would. I would get on a plan and fuck off

Yes I am Important ... I think

I have been given a new mission at work: Go sort out the staff in our office down south ( I will not name where down south as I have never named who I work for for fear of it biting me back in the ass so office down south will be known as TSO = The shit office )

When I was given the mission by my big head cheese boss I was thinking hmm piece of piss this mission : make the staff do their jobs the right way , follow procedures stop cocking up etc.

I was wrong

I have spent two days at the TSO and felt as though everything I said to them was listened to but not complete taken on board. I got the feeling that as I was saying all this vital ( and extremely important ) information they were thinking in their heads ' Ah she leaves tomorrow so does not matter if we do what she says' I noticed this on the first day. When I was in my hotel room that night I thought of a cunning plan to get them to listen ... I would threaten them!! ha ha
So yesterday morning I informed them that over the next week I would be running daily reports and that if I saw any errors I would come down on them like a ton of very angry Canadian bricks . I am now hoping this is going to work but not holding my breath.

Part of the problem is that I am just a normal worker ( non management ) and I am basically going into a office and not only telling other normal workers how to sort themselves out but the office manager. How do I do that without making the situation worse??? Not easy is it ?!

So that is what I am doing for the foreseeable future ( no end date has been given to me ) I will keep you up to date on the boringness of my life at present which I am sure will make for thrilling reads for you all
Will attempt to spice it up but its pretty hard to be honest ha ha !!

My successful Attempts of De- Hermitization

I have had successful social attempts at de-hermitting myself, so proud .... So proud.

On Friday I went out with one of my closest friends Mason. Mason is a true gentlemen a star and a genuinely nice and kind person. He is also slightly off kilter and his wife Emma has the patience of a bloody saint as far as I am concerned!

He is also a brilliant painter. I am still pestering him for a Mason Banks painting and I will get one before ai leave this island ! He is 40 well almost 40 ( so love rubbing int he fact that he is almost 40) so yeah he rocks basically.
We went out to Chorlton and promised each other that we would not get pissed that we would be responsible adults. We were out by 4 and halfway to pissed by half 4 !! However we did not get stupid pissed make a full of yourself drunk. It was lovely have to say was really nice to get out with Mason and talk about some seriously mind altering intelligent stuff ( this intelligent talk only happens once and a while for me as otherwise my brain would explode due to overload of info)

Then Saturday came round. I had made the decsion that I would take it easy as I had overloaded myself with social things on Friday and did not want to push my luck. I went to the gym for the first time in a week ( cold = bad bad breathing = no gym what so ever ! ) I went hell for leather and loved every minute of it !! I miss the gym when I am not there. I actually miss the feeling of pushing myself that little bit further each time. Trying to see if I can do better then the previous visit. And that was what I did on this visit suffered for it mind you but loved it.
I got a message from my great gym buddy Tracey saying come over tonight share a bottle and help me pack for the big move . Was very very tempted to say no but gave myself a shake and thought screw it out you go Lou. Jesus had a great time !!! Went to hers had the bottle and then Tracey suggested that we go to the local social club as Colin her husband was behind the bar and well lets face it was bloody cheap as well.
I met Colins mum ..... I was scared honestly terrified . She reminded me of the mother of the bad guys in 'The Goonies' seriously she was scary !!
So yeah for once I had a active weekend was well chuffed with myself . Drank to much but oh well was worth it.

A Few Things I am Hating Right Now ...

I am hating hayfever !!! i have never had such aweful hayfever as I do now. My head feels like it is going to explode. What makes it worse is that I only just got over the deadly cold. I got this false sense of happiness when the cold cleared off last night. Then I woke up this morning and bang welcome to my world Mr Hayfever!!!

I am hating people who do not get back in touch just do normally it does not bother me because I am one of the worst offenders for not calling people back. I leave my phone on silence all the time so I actually miss all my calls ( I know I am now going to get hate mail from various friends and family about this weird tick of mine ) But yeah people who do not get back to you .... Really fucking me off right now

Yep that's about it for now. To be fair there is a hell of a lot more I am hating at present however to avoid opening the 5th dimension of hell and letting it ALL come out I am restraining myself ( does not happen often just so you know )

Fairly sure I am dying

I have a cold.
I am sure this is gods way of natural selection.
I wish to curl up in the fetal position and die right now.
My customers are all making fun of my nasal like tones right now and have absolutely no sympathy
yep I am going to die because of a cold !!
this truly sucks

Things I miss

I miss being 7 again and playing ( or torturing ) my little brother with my little sister.

I miss the smell of the way your Mum washes your cloths. It does not matter how many times you wash it just like she does with the same washing powder and softener and dryer sheets it is never the same...... Trust me I have tried.

I miss the way your Mum can make a boiled egg and soldiers perfectly. You know with the yoke just runny enough and the soldiers the right length and wicth for optimal dipping experience.

I miss being in school !! When I say school I mean kidergarden and grades 1 2 and 3 . These were the grades when school was cool. When you woke up in the morning a little groggy but you knew it was going to be a wicked day because you were going on a cool field trip to a zoo or it was finger painting day, god I loved finger painting day. Work places should introduce these things to relieve office tension I seriously think it would work.

Because I am single there are things I miss when you are with someone. I miss waking up to another person hogging both sides of the bed ( you curse them at the time but when they are gone you miss it or deep down you know it does not bother you all that much )

I miss getting taken out randomly for no apparent reason other then they want your company and attention at that point in time.
( I do not miss cheap dates and guys the make you split the bill note: yes this has happened to me everyone and no it did not last long at all !!!!! )

I miss making breakfast for another person when they stay over and seeing the smile on their face because they know a lot of thought went into it for them.

I do miss my family when I live so far away from them. They drive me mental most of the time even half way across the world they drive me mental. But that is only a fraction of the time the rest they make me laugh and giggle at the antics they get up to.

I miss goofing off with my little brother. He is a giant shit but he is a giant fun shit !!

And finally I do miss my Dad. Even though it is almost 9 years ( I think ) since the old boy bit it and had the big one it feels like only yesterday to be honest. I miss hearing him yell ' Weezy!!!! ' when I knew I was in a little bit of trouble ( not a lot because he used my nickname )
I miss him saying ' Because is not a answer !!' when we back chatted to him.

So yeah I do miss my Dad a lot.

It's about Bloody Time

Just a quick one. Lee , My friendly neighborhood Blog stalker has finally got his poop in a group and set himself up a blog !!!! hurray !!!!
So if you get a chance drop by and harass him endlessly :-) http://hermitslife.blogspot.com/

Drinking By yourself ...Its funny ...Honestly.....

Yesterday was one of those days that made you think ' Yes I love living in the UK!' It was a amazing 27 degrees above here and I was loooovvvviiiinnnngggg it !! Seriously was amazing full sun the works.
By 11 am our office was saying lets screw working call forward all our phones to our mobiles and piss off to the pub BECAUSE IT WAS SO DAMNED NICE !! ( we didn't by the way , we played catch with George Bush note: see previous posts about GWB)

By the time I actually left work I was in a serious mood for a drink but I acted responsibly and went to the gym ( theory being I need to continue to better myself to look better to possibly find a nice decent looking boyfriend oh yeah and for my health) Afet slogging my brains out and running 6 miles !!! woo hoo for me , I made my way to Asda the time sucking 5th dimension of hell and bought the essentials for Gin and tonic. I have the gin due to my mother leaving 2 full bottles after her last visit ( yes it is a family of drinkers and damn proud ! ) I made my way home and poured myself the biggest drink.

Note to self : Never ever ever drink right after working out ever ! See the blood is already rushing round you super fast add booze to the fast passed blood and bingo you are trollied in a bad bad way !!

I sat on the front step of the buiding catching the last of the sun and blending in with locals of whalley Range as I slowly got happy and merry.

And then it happened........

I got so drunk I made my way into the flat and fell asleep on the couch at 6 pm !!! How bad is that !! I woke up 2 hours later forgot I had not eaten but could not be bothered to cook so I ate 3 yogurt's hmmmm I love yogurt right now. Had 1 cup of coffee and thought hey suns still out will have one more small drink. This was my second error as it was the second round of drinking that put me in the ' I live by myself I am single .... OH MY LORD MY LIFE IS SHIT ! Mode'

So in conclusion do not drink after the gym, do not drink alone, do not have a second round of drinks but do enjoy the sun do have the drink ( only one ) and drink it slowly as well.

Politics .... Yep broaching a subject normally avoided and Left to My little Sister to Deal With

Oh my good lord for the first time in 5 years the political realm of the UK has become interesting to me.

So firstly it turns out that loads of convicted immigrants have been allowed to slip back into British society rather then slapping their thieving killing asses on the first flight back to their own country. How ?!? That is all I have to say on that How!

Secondly Patricia Hewitt announced that the last year was the best year ever for the NHS ... Is the women on crack !!??? How can she say that ?? No answer it was a stupid thing to say ( I have a theory it is her dodgy freaky hair that makes her say these things ) But god love the nurses ! They had a big convention 2 days after the stupid statement and Ms. Hewitt decided in her infinite wisdom to go and talk to these people and tell them to wise up and stop complaining effectively??? So shocked she was not shot on the spot by the rioting nurses ha ha!!

Then the best thing ever happened ! John Prescott ( deputy prime minister) announced he had been having a affair with his diary secretary!! This is a picture of the married cheating bastard. Once you look at the picture you will see why this was so so so funny to find out about:

Do you see why now ????? He is one ugly mofo !!

Even better though was the comment from the fiancee of the women he cheated with : ' I can't believe the person I was going to marry was sleeping with JOHN PRESCOTT!!!!!!!'

Personally if I was that guy ( no I am not a male and nor do I wish to be ) I would seek serious help to figure out where I was going wrong to drive my fiancee to sleep with John Prescott ??

There I have dived as far as I will go into the world of politics ( Be proud of me everyone )

YES ITS FINALLY WORKING !!!!

yes i know there are 2 entries with virtually the same shit in them but they both took time to write so they are both staying there !! so there

So Not Making a Effort !!

Right this morning I spent ages writing out a post about how my sister was concerned about my hermit like habits of late. She then made a sweeping comment about making new friends. The post did not publish !!!!! so I am not making the effort to re type the whole damn freakin thing again. All I have to say is how exactly do I make new friends ?!?!?!?!?! I am usless at that I am actually a withdrawn person around people I do not know I get nervous and edgy I worry that I will say a terminally stupid thing ( this happens to me frequently )

I will say however I do understand the family concern over the hermit lifestyle at present and I will attempt to make a effort to think about making a effort to de - hermit myself promise.


LESBIAN UPDATE :

Either they are both back or one has a new girlfriend and jesus were they making up for lost time last night !! Seriously you would have thought they had been in a nunary for the last 20 years and the end of the world was coming the way they were going. I have no idea how to rectify this situation now. I have already left a note for them a polite nice note. What do I do leave a note reading :

STOP FUCKING !!!!!

not very neighbourly that is it or very polite either ??????

The Need To Get out More

Yes I know I need to get out more !!! I was told last night by my little sister that I need to get out more and make new friends !! It was like being in high school again. Honestly it is not easy when you are 27 to just make ' new friends'

I then started to think how the hell do I make new friends ??? I may come across as a fairly confident person at times but seriously I am not. Really I get nervous around people I do not know, I get edgy in larger crowds. I get the fear inside when in a crowd ' is everyone looking at me thinking , look at her standing there talking to NO ONE !!!! ' So to go out and make new friends is not easy for me at all.

I have found lately that I have become more and more reclusive. This has not been forced upon me. I have just decided sub consciously that I do not want to be social I like to be by myself I like not having to be nice to other people. But then on the other hand when I am alone I start to think ' oh my god my life sucks and I need to do something!!'
Its basically a catch 22 when you think about it.

So as much as I hate to say it or admit it Alex may be right. Maybe I do need to make more new friends. I have absolutely no idea how to do this but yes do need to make some and soon or being a hermit will become a permanent fixture in my damn life !! Any suggestions ???

( apologies for this very random ramble )
Note : Alex do not tell me again how crap my writing has been lately I do realize this it wil lget better I promise !!!

They are Back !!! Or at least One Is

Yes the lesbian (s) are back. Not both though only one of them , the blonde one. So now I have a number of conspiracy theories:
1. The blonde has killed the brunette
2. The brunette has run of with a fellow brunette
3. The brunette was so sick of the blonde and feeling ' a lack of appreciation' she topped herself
4. The fat cat ' Charlie ' clawed her to death as he was jealous and wanted in on the action


further updates to follow

OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW !

Now I say I need to get out now !! I will soon get so bad that I will have a calendar with X's marking the days off unil I permently leave this over priced tiny little island.

My romantic notions of living in a foreign country are now completely out of my system. I have done what I came to do ( cause mayhem and reek havoc on the UK being two of them )

Honestly if it were at all possible I would actually go home now but alas it is not. I have to pay my car off another year of that, I do need to save some sort of money up to go home which if you know me is slightly impossible.

I have however been doing my homework and research in to the big migration back to the mother land of snow and ice.

I firstly have looked into my cat coming home and how much it will cost and was pleasantly surprised. Basically I have gone on the government website back home and because the UK is on the list of non rabies countries I only need a certificate from a government vet saying Cleo is not a rabid and crazed beast ( I will have to drug him for this as most will think he is rabied ha ha ).
I have also found out that it is not nearly as expensive as I had originally thought to fly him !!!
Air Canada only charge $150 one way so like £75.00 I was expecting at least £200 to £300 so was happy.

Have looked into international movers to ship stuff home and found one that will ship 2 largish boxes for £174.00 which is awfuleful. So yes the ball is rolling now. Also my best friAmandanada has agreed to let me rent a room from her for the last 2 -3 months so that I can sell off everything I want to sell including my bed and that way I do not have to woaboutbotu that eithSo. so leIst i have that to look forward to.

I wadmitmitt that yes I have been slightly depressed of late and have been terribly horribly homesick. I think the word depressed though is a stupid word because I am not depressed slash my wrist pray the world ends depressed. I am just really down and want to go hthat'shats it plain and simply

The Weekend and Updates on the Updates

I would love to one day come on here and post this amazing post about my amazing and totally wicked awesome weekend...... But that is never going to happen as I have decided I am a hermit and I live a sheltered life kinda like a mushroom.

This weekend consisted of the following : Cat waking me up and stupid bastard 6 am on Saturday. At first I thought it was because I had not fed him but turns out there was food water and a clean litter tray. He just wanted attention some what like all males in this world. Went to the gym and flogged myself there. Honestly it was the hardest work out I have ever done no idea why I struggled but christ I did. To top of the uneventful day I placed 8 bets on the grand national race. I had a theory that the more bets I placed the more likely my horse would make it around the 4 mile course and 31 jumps. 3 of the 8 fell at the first fence, their blown out of the water. But I did get extremely excited as I had placed a bet of £1.00 each way on a horse called Inca Trail.Afterr the last jump he was in fourth and I lost it in my living room screaming at the telly. If he placed fourth I would have gotroughlyy 60 pounds !!!!! ........ He placed fith.... I was depressed and vowed never to bet on the ponies again.

The most exciting bit of my weekend was rearranging my bedroom.That'ss right folks I was excited and made up that I had done this.Itt was so nice I just wanted to go to bed then and there.

So there is the weekend ...Itt sucked ...Lifee kinda sucks .....Ohh well


Update on Update Number One :

I am still trying to quit smoking I will be honest and say I have the odd one but I am still trying hard. Work is easy and have no issues there. Driving in the car is not a problem anymore. However being home by myself on weekends particularly is fucking difficult !!! It did not help this weekend that I ran out of my little plastic pockets of heavensmotheredd innicotinee. I attempted to suck the life out of my inhaltor but damn I wanted to kill myself by Sunday night.

Update on the Lesbians :

THE ARE STILL GONE !!!! I HAVE PROPERLY DRIVEN THEM AWAY!! I AM SCARED OF MY OWN POWERS !! Honestly folks there has not been a peep from that flat . I am begining to worryaboutu them now. Maybe my letter hasdrivenn them to a noisy lesbiansuicidee pact maybe they have joined a cult........Orr more logically maybe they are just on holiday ....Noo they have joined the damned cult I know they have ...Alongg with their big fat cat Charlie ( wonder if he is a gay cat ???? )

The Lesbians upstairs

Ok I live in a what I would consider potentially a lovely old converted house. If you look past the grime and years of neglect and forgetfulness there are some lovely old features and bits. For istance the front step is slightly art deco with old tiling in lovely reds and blues in a mosaic pattern. It has been battered and bruised over the years and simply forgotten for what it is. When you go in the front communal hall and look up there is amazing old cornicing the full length of the hall but it is dusty and badly looked after. Generally though I do love where I live and saw the potential of the place when I moved in. What I did not realize was that the walls were paper thing from the cellar right up to the 3rd floor. You can hear everything. And now here is the bit you have all been waiting for ( mainly you dirty old men who see the word lesbian and stand to attention !! ) the lesbians upstairs.

A couple have moved in above me.the are both students extremely polite really lovely girls. At first I did not realize they were a couple. I have to admit thatI had the common misconception that in a lesbian relationship one women is normally more ' butch' looking or to be more polite not as femmine as the other. These girls are both tiny petite gorgeous girls they really are and that is why I did not think they were a couple. ( slpa on the wrist for being narrow minded )

When I first met them I did them the courtesy of making them aware discreetly that the walls were by no means sound proof and anything and everything can be heard here. I said that if I was ever to loud or making to much noisy just let me know would not take offence.

They at first took this subtle warning seriously and were very quiet. 2 weeks ago that all changed. I have come to the conclusion that lesbians have the most active sex life I have ever heard !!!! Seriously at one point it was going on 2 times a night 3 nights in a row. I can hear everything ..... EVERYTHING !!! Even my cat looks up at the ceiling and you can see him thinking in his cat male brain' lucky bitches !!' Honestly I am in awe of thses 2 girls stamina it is unreal.
Then last weekend it took another turn. The had a fight. And by fight I mean full bblown things being thrown screaming yelling name calling ' you do not appreciate me ' fight!! I have to say lesbian couples are no different then straight or probably gay couples when they fight. It was a blazing amazing argument. This made me think ( as I sat on my couch on a Saturday night eating popcorn and watching casuatly ... yep I am a single sad loser I have confirmed it with that statement) that there would be no sex for a bit as they were obviously very angry .... I was wrong. The opposite happened they had make up sex all night Saturday ... Took a break all morning Sunday ..... Took a break then all night Sunday .

two nights ago I had enough I was awake till 2 am listening to the acrobatic accomplishments they were attempting at the time. So yesterday morning I left a note ( not signed so they did not know was me ) saying could you possibly please keep the noise down after 11 pm ... Reasonable request I think ??? Came home last night with fingers crossed. WEll there was a outcome I never expected. THEY LEFT !!!!! Now I am not sure if they have left permently or what as was only spying through my peep hole. They had a number of bags and even more importantly they took there cat.

So yes I have driven the lesbians out of the building and I am worried about what other powers I may possess !!!!

* NOTE

Side Note * apologies for the bad language in below post I was angry !! In fact still am bloody angry !!
So yeah apologies to all :-)

Stop Making fun of My country and take a good Hard look at Your Own you Bastards !!!

As you probably can tell my the header I am a pissed off Canadian!! Seriously I am a raging bundle of anger and general pissed offense !!

Since I have moved to the UK I have constantly heard the same lines from Britons things like ' you colonials were made by the mighty British' and ' You immigrants come over here and steal our jobs and use our social system'

Right lets set the record straight !!! A. ' us colonials' as they like to say were created by the British when they came over the Canada however many years ago. And then they fucked off after a little battle with the the frog bastard French. If they created use and we were so important to them then they should have stayed.... But the they didn't so fuck off and think before eyou say stupid things.
B. I AM NOT A IMMIGRANT!!!! You narrow mi0nded jerks !!! I have been a British citizen since the day I was born. I have every right to be here. And in no way was I taking anyone's job !! The unemployment rate in the UK is not because immigrants take loads of jobs when they come here. It is high because they are lazy bastards !! Because they keep electing a government that will socially assit them if they broke a damn nail. So shut your mouth and stop moaning !!

I am so sick of the narrow minded and frankly extreme racistness of this country. Lets get something straight the British was this great empire that went and raided loads of countries created loads of problems fucked off back to their tiny little island and now wonder why there are loads of depends hanging off them 100 years later. You knob heads !! You created those depends so now deal with it.
You make fun of where I am from but yet we are one of the richest countries n the world. The province I am from ( Alberta named after one of your poxy royals ) has no debt !!!!!! They are making so much money on oil right now they are sending out $400 cheques to every Albertan because they made just to much damned money !!! People need to know that outside of the middle east Alberta ( IN CANADA PEOPLE ) is the biggest oil producer in the world !!!!! Not sure myself what the British are known for other then over charging for their people for gas food houses cars basically everything!

So the point behind my rant is this. Take a good hard look at your own war mongering over priced shitty island before you start making funny of other peoples places of origin. It is narrow minded rude and just pig ignorant to say things about others that you know nothing of!!!!
Also do not get me wrong generally I love living in Britain it has offered me a huge amount of opportunities and experience.

Ramble done. BYE !

Life and The Move oh yeah and smoking too

Life I think works out in funny and mysterious ways not sometimes but all the time !

I never would have thought 12 months ago that I would be saying I am going home. I was thinking about it ( deeply) last night ( I am thinking about anything but fags right now to attempt to kick the dirty habit ... Brain hurts from all the thinking ) anyway deep though about it last night. I suddenly realized that my 20's has been full of seriously life changing things. I left Canada at the beginning of my 20's and at the end of it heading back. Pretty big deal really

But then I start thinking about the practicalities of it all. I cannot stop looking round my flat and thinking ' How the hell am I going to sell all my shit ?!?' Honestly for someone who came over to the UK with 2 suitcases all most 5 years ago , I have amassed a stupid silly amount of shit !! It is really really bad ! So I am now thinking will car boot sale the lot of it or put it all up on Ebay as a job lot highest bid gets the lot. I am a pack rat and this will pain me to do as I love some of my things !!

It got so bad last night that whilst laying in bed I started convincing myself that I could ship my lovely bed over to Canada with me ( no I cannot do this due to fact that it is wrought iron and well would cost me a small nations gross debt ) but yeah by the time I had fallen asleep I had decided I could do this. By the time I woke up this morning slapped on another nicotine patch ( little plastic pockets of heaven ) I came to my senses and realized this was not a possibility. I am already mourning the loss of my bed 18 months in bloody advance !!!!! Bad very very bad !

Otherwise though all is on track for the giant move back home. Sarah ( best mate ) is just as excited and cannot wait to get there either. She got a Canadian tourist video on the Rockies. She text me she was all excited to watch this on Sunday night. I came into work on Monday to a email from her saying : ' lasted 10 minutes into the video and gave up as all the Japanese tourists in it were winding her up ' I replied ' welcome to Canada they are everywhere , get used to it honey !' but otherwise all is full steam a head and lookin good guys !

Smoking : Damn this is hard but determined to do it !! I am still on the patch as stated above. I also look like a child that relies on dummies to keep them happy when I start sucking on the little white inhaler stick thing they gave me as a fake fag. If I could fall asleep with that thing in my mouth sucking away like a newborn I would.

Also as a small side note now : Thank you to the people that read my blog and have left various messages wishing me luck on the smoking and the moving it is really really nice to hear it from you all like Urban Gypsy who has a funny and basically good read website http://theurbangypsy.blogspot.com/ if you get a chance have a read worth it. Plus Joke ( said like yolk then a ' A ' on the end ) found her via dooce and she has left great messages on there as well http://www.forjoke.com/. There are loads others as well. But the powers of work will see what I have spent the last 20 minutes not working but blogging and well lets be honest I am paid to sell cable not blog. Also if I had a inch of computer or web page knowledge in my brain I would blog roll but after a million attempts to set this up and one broken mouse I have decided to give up for my sanity !!!
So yes thank you all very sweet of you ;-)

I QUIT !

Yep have taken the leap, have done the much needed dirty deed ..... I officially have quit smoking today.

I have been to my GP and been given all sorts of things. Currently I have a patch on my arm and wow this shit is like happy juice.... Heaven in a little rubber patch !! Honestly it has made me all light headed and I have had no fag cravings all morning. I have gone from smoking 24 fags a day to having 2 today !!!! How amazing. And when I had the last one I didn't even finish the thing as just was no interested at all.

So proud of myself!!.

Update on the move back to the mother land:
Sarah has done one of those ' will we let you into Canada or are you a lay about non working social sucker ?' She did 2 tests one as if she had a job to go to and she was a god as far as the Canadian goverment was concerned on a big score of 84 and then she was truthful and did one as if she did not have a job to go to but she still managed to scrape through. So things are looking up now.

I am even more excited at the prospect of going home then I ever was. I keep looking round my flat thinking oh my good god I have to sell most of this how in the world will I ?? See I am a pack rat or more like a person that cannot let things go.

I have also tried to sit down and have a serious discussion with the cat , Cleo, about his impending journey ina year and half but for some reason he keeps chasing his own tail and does not seem interested in what I have to say ..... God knows why !

So there you go. I am going to go back to obsessing about my lack of cigarette in my hand and slap on another rubber circle bit of heaven ( the patch )
bye all :-) x

Home is Calling Me

Well I have made a major decision. I am going home. It is time to return to the great white north once and for all.

Now I am not going home immediately but between the next 18 months and 2 years. There were a huge amount of factors that brought this decision to a head as they say.

The biggest one being is that I miss home. Enough is enough and it is time to return. I have done what I came here to do and that was to grow up gain some independence and be adult as they say. I think I gained that and have grown up drastically.

I miss my family and the comfort of having them about. Think being away for the 5 years has made me realise how much I need to appreciate them. Even though George is a arrogant shit and a giant pain in the ass he is alright for a little brother.
And Mum is someone I miss most to be honest ( do not let that go to your head mum!!! ) but I do get on so so much better with her now and that makes a big difference.

The decision actually though came to finalization because of Sarah my best mate. She sent me a text a few weeks ago very randomly asking how to go about working in Canada. Turns out she wants to go over. After many discussions by phone email and text it became a very real thing.
There would be nothing better then Sarah coming over with me. Canada is her type of place, she would blend in there and settle amazingly well. So we have both made the decision to start laying plans out to go home for me and a new place for her.

IT ALL ROCKS !!!!!!!!! CANNOT WAIT !!!

I am going to also bring the cat with me as well. This should be very interesting as considering this cat has not seen much of the outside world dragging him halfway across the world should really freak him out. But to be truthful I could not leave him behind. He has been a constant companion for me for the last 2 years. As much as he drives me round the bend and for all my moaning I do actually love him to bits and he is such a amazing feline.

So there you go homeward bound for me all and here is what I am going back to :

view of Edmonton City Center Sky Line

Jasper ..... Heaven to a skier ... I cannot wait to be able to go skiing again asap !!

City center , town hall and Winston Churchill Square

And finally most importantly home the place I love and grew up !!!

I am a Bad Blogger I know Ok !!

Yes before you comment or say anything I know I am a bad bad blogger for not posting much in the last few days ... But I am back. Have been properly told off by my sister who left a comment of ' update your blog you wanker !!!' sisterly love is a great thing. There is a mutual respect between us. She calls me a wanker I call her a world dominating Devil women... It works well.

Anyway what have I been up to ... Not much really. I did go to a concert with my best friend Sarah. We went to Jack Johnson and LOVED IT !!!!! It was by far the best concert I have ever been to and so did not want it to end. I recommend to anyone out there if Jack comes to your town spend the money and go and enjoy !!! On top of being a amazing artist he is also the hottest man on the face of the earth !!!! He is what I would want to marry in a instant !! Stunning and amazing and so so so damn hot !!!!!

Other then that it has been a uneventful couple of days really. I did however get to post a comment about my mother on DOOCE website which is cool. Considering Dooce never opens her comments I was not letting the opportunity slip past me to do that. She had posted about mothers that stays at home and the choice. I went on a rant !! I told the world how my Mum worked as did my Dad and it was in no way detrimental to me and if anything it helped me! So yeah think I was like comment 950 out of roughly 2000 ! ha

I am still trying to find a flat mate to move into a new place with ( any takers ?!?!?! Begging now !! ) but have yet to find someone. All I do know is desperately need to move to save same money as I am poor !!! I have entered my name on a load of websites so hopefully something will come of that never know.

Oh yeah and for this first time in my smoking life I am now considering quitting for good. I have made a appointment at the doctors and going to give this a go .. Wish me luck but do not expect miracles ... After 14 year ( yes 14 years ) of smoking I think there may be more then one attempt to kick the cancer sticks. Will let you know how I am doing

Anyway enough rambling speak to you all soon promise to have a better more interesting post next time.

George Bush: The spongy Yellow WMD

In our office we have a couple of those sponge stress ballthings. Ours are all different shapes and sizes such as a cable drum and a star trooper as well from star wars. But by far the weirdest one is a sponge yellow figure of George Bush ! Odd I know so very strange !!!! This is him:

Now I realize you are now looking at this yellow blob and thinkg ' looks nothing like George W' but it is. See I tried to poke his eyes out with a pencil and it did not work. Then I tried to rip his head off his shoulders and it would not come off. So we just decided to color on his face and now we think he looks like Fidel Castro.

Seriously he is like a cockroach nuclear war would not kill this thing ( believe me as above we have tried )

Anyway most people squeeze or play with these things to relieve stress . Do they do that in my office ........

hell no !!!! We chuck them at each other as hard as humanly possible then roll around on the floor in fits of laughter at the other persons pain.

I did this today and loved it !! Normally I could not hit the broadside of a barn door ... Today was different. Today I went right up to the person ( he fully desvered this for what he had said ) and hurled it at him at high speed. I was aiming for the back of his head but some how I managed to hit him square in the ear. Honestly was the funniest thing I had seen all day. It was pure stress relief !!!!

So I recommend to anyone rather then squeezing these stupid things .. Chuck em !! Chuck em hard and fast it is so much fun and the stress just disappears instantly !!!

So hence George being the WMD of the office.

( George is slightly melted now on the back of his head due to be left on the radiator over night )

There is my tip for the day everyone . Chuck a George around and the day will right its self instantly for you all :-)

Things to thank my Parents for ( all said sarcastically)

I have many things to thank my parents for. Before I continue this post I do have to make it clear that there are many many good things I am grateful for but damn the following I blame all on them:

1 . Thanks is given to them for the fact that I am a routine based person. You may be thinking , nothing wrong with a bit of routine. Well there is!!! I do the exact same thing every single morning : alarm goes off shut alarm off ( never have I hit snooze in my life ) feed the cat watch the news have a shower blow dry hair put makeup on straighten hair leave house at exactly 6:52 am . This happens almost every moring. On the odd occasion the routine is broken or disturbed the whole day is then completely screwed !! I blame this onto he military style up bringing !! There were no free spirit hippy like people in my family there was logic and organization and because of this I am routine based. All their fault.

2. My inability to be tidy!! Seriously I blame this on my lovely parents completely as well!! When I was a kid every Saturday was room inspection day( yes I know you are all laughing now but my sister Alex will vouch for this ritual) we used to stand by our beds and wait for it to be inspected for the week. I once prayed to god that if he made Dad pass my room as spotless that I would play golf with him every day when I got up to heaven ( yes I thought god played golf as a child and my logic behind this was I was so bad at golf god would love me as he would always win ) Dad did not pass me that day . My faith in God faltered at the age of 10. When I moved out it was like the chains of tidiness had been broken and all ability to be tidy disappeared. Why do I blame them for this ?? Because I believe if they had been less rigid witht he clean thing I would not have this natural aversion to it all. Every Sunday I clean my flat kitchen bathroom the works and it looks great .... By Tuesday it looks like 20 wild children have lived there. I am useless at it

3. I blame them for my constant worrying about money. I think this may be a gentitic thing as it seems to be a Taylor family trait. Honestly when I get paid I do not jump for joy I go into panic mode and start thinking about how I could be living on the streets by the end of the month . In actual fact I manage to make it through every single month and never slept on the streets yet. My mum is a natural worrier with money and I believe she has passed this on to me


And finally I blame my parents for this :

Who does this to their child !!!!!!!! My parents did !!! Honestly I was destined to be screwed for life relationship wise when they made me wear that T-shirt saying ' future fox' it was like tempting fate. And then to top it off record it in photo form for all to see in the future !!! Plus it cannot be a good sign when your Dad's mustache actually covers half his face.

So I blame them for this damn picture !!!! Why !!!!????

Delay and a thought

Very short post for you all ( sorry ) first thing I lied no pic today as it was to big and my I.T wizard here at work is taking it home with him to make it small to post it fingers crossed tomorrow all ...Believe me worth the wait !!


Second thought ... Brace yourselves everyone : I HATE VALENTINES DAY HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT


...... DESPISE IT
what a stupid stupid day. ( of course if was not single I would more then likely be singing a different tune ha ha )

till tomorrow

Again far to lazy to think of a good title for this post sorry

Well another week begins. This is a slightly different week due to the fact that it is Valentines day tomorrow. Fingers crossed we do not get any of the sickly sweet stuff going on here in the office. You know flowers delivered chocolates blah blah blah . This is of course spoken as any single person speaks. Valentine's day is like the anti christ to singles through out the world.
We all say things like its not even a real holiday sort of day or the businesses of the world have created it. You know the things we single people say all play down to the fact that yeah were single.
It is a weird strange and as far as I am concerned pointless and stupid day ! There said my single persons piece on Valentines day.

Right next thing : I LOVE THE WINTER OLYMPICS !! Seriously I do. I have spent the entire weekend watching a huge amount of winter sports. I have watched from Downhill skiing to Nordic cross country and loved every second of it . Yes I know sad pathetic really boring but it makes me happy so shut up ok ?! But the ultimate highlight was Jennifer heil won gold medal for Canada in the freestyle moguls. She was amazing fantastic and unbelievable to watch and desvered that metal like nobody's business !! What makes it better is she is from my neck of the woods ( Spruce grove Alberta) my brother knows her and once had a major crush on her I believe I believe I have met her once but cannot be sure. But she was great and a big up to her for doing it at only 22 years old ! http://www.cbc.ca/Olympics/sports/freestyleskiing/

Also this weekend I went to a friend of mines , Pete and his wife Wendy, grand opening of their new venture Bar Bibo in Northerden. I could see this being deadly for me as I loved the place and was so relaxed there. So yeah deadly as can see myself being there very often at this rate !!!

Right that's it. Heads up for tomorrow : baby pic of me should make you laugh or scream with fear ... You will see why

Girls and Boys

Girls and boys are funny old creatures it has to be said. They are so freakishly similar but polar opposites at the same time. I would say this bothers me and confuses me as well.

I have never understood the great divide between the two sexes or how it came about. Why is it that men react to a situation one way and women a complete opposite way
Example:
Pipe bursts in kitchen
Mans Reaction: hmmm pipes burst well I will have another can of beer and then go over pretend to be a plumber and attempt to fix it myself. All the while the kitchen is flooding. There is no reaction to the fact that the floor is flooding there is no sense of panic ( this is probably due to the fact that they have just finished the 5th can of beer and it is only 1:00 in the afternoon) so the reactions of a male in this situation are two : firstly they have the ' ego' the I can fix this and I will do it in my own time even if my women is screaming at me in the background. Secondly they just do not care !!!! Ever !!!

women's Reaction : Firstly we run around screaming to begin with ( yes I know not all women do this physically but all women do this mentally in there brain) then we do the appropriate thing and call a professional !!! A actual plumber boys, someone who knows how to fix the problem. We turn the water off at the main and whilst waiting for the plumber we clean up the mess. We do this all while you sit oblivious to everything watching the football and cracking your 6th can of beer open saying ' need any help hun ?' we scream no ( the scream should have been your warning that something terrible is happening and your dull male instincts should kick in to help the female ....They don't ) Plumber arrives pipe fixed kitchen clean and the man works his way to the 7th can. There is one reaction from a women in this situation : LOGIC !! We logically clean up logically call the plumber and most logically do not ask for assitance from the drunk male on the couch !!!

So you see this confuses me. We are both the same make up we are both logical thinking beings and we both have brains and some intelligence ( lots or little ) yet we do things so differently!! Yes it would be a boring world if everyone reacted the same way to every situation. But to the major incidents in our lives it would be so much easier if we could flip a switch at the point of mayhem and react identically. I think if we could do that there would be less spousal murder less divorce and generally less aggravation in the world
Am I being naive ... yep most definitely and have I lived by myself for to long to not realize how a male female daily relationship works ... Probably. But I stand by what I say life would just be easier if men and women were more similar. If we reacted to things the same way

( yes I know this is a random if not somewhat strange post ... Deal with it ok ? :-)

Translations

Last night someone laughed at something I said and the thing I said was not very British what so ever. In fact it got me thinking after the conversation there are a lot of things I say that are not very British at all. Here are a few some will have translations :

Walking like a drunk hooker on skates = can be taken in so many ways such as nope I cannot skate . Yes it is true I have no Co-ordination what so ever

Ass Monkey = just a damned good insult in my books kinda like wanker in a strange way

butt head = just a dick head basically

hoser = a complete loser ' used in a sentence like the following ' don't be such a hoser man'

deke out = from hockey terminology meaning just nipping out be back soon basically the jock hockey players started it and it has caught on

Think that hoser is one of my favorites good solid insult

There are so so many more that evade me right now if you think of any though let me know.
right

' deke out ' kinda sorta you know I will be back eventually !!

Patience

Patience ...... What a stupid bloody word !!!
honestly there is logic behind what I say here so hear me out ok


When someone says to you ' Just be patient' and you are already in a inflamed state of mind what is the first thought that pops into your head ? My first thought ( and I am sure it is not just mine ) is : ' Just be patient ....I will just be patient you freak !!!! I have no desire to be bloody patient stop saying that to me !!!!!!!' Seriously it makes the situation worse.
Whether it is at work and you are trying to sort out a particularly pain in the ass problem or at home and trying to assemble Ikea book selfs patience does not ever work ! All you get as a out come of all this patience is a passive aggressive person on the brink of a complete melt down that will likely be directed at you.


I get this on a daily basises in my line of work. I have to deal with the Dutch every day. Let me tell you any pre conceived notions you may have had about them lotbeing eternally high peace lovin kicked back sort of people is completely and utterly wrong!! To get one thing actioned by these people does not take patience it involves threatening them with their lives and the lives of their families. It involves calling them every 5 minutes for 8 hours and after those 8 hors of having a phone glued to your ear you still have nothing. Patience does not exist in this world of work

Then there is patience in personal life . If a mother says to a daughter ' patience dear the right man will come along in his own time' come of it !!!! it does not work that way at all mothers !!! You should know this for gods sakes. I know that it does not exist. I am 27 and I will happily say that yes I would like the right one to finally show his damn face ask me to marry him and get it bloody over with Patience is not a virtue and most defiantly not one of my virtues.


When I drive I am impatient, when talk I am inpatient, when I queue up am damned impatient etc


So there is your warning all I have no patience I never desire to have this so called quality as I do not believe it to be one. I believe that it only hinders you in life turns you into a emotional mush ball and makes you have no balls. Life is about grabbing it being impatient and yep having balls to be impatient. Buck the trends people be what they out there consider abnormal .....BE IMPATIENT !!!!

ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS .......

God damn I need a drink !!!!
take that statment however you wish !!
drink....large big drink !!!!

Single

You know being single is one of those funny things that some people react badly to and some thrive on. I think I am one of the ones that is in the middle of all that.

I like being single for the fact that you do lead your own life you do not have to worry about consequences and the effects of your decisions and behavior.


On the flip side being single has the ability to make you feel eternally lonely. Like you will never find that other person and no matter what you do to assist the process it never freakin works !!!

Last night I was watching this show called ' The real Sex and The City' Basically it is set in New York and it follows round a load of different women on the dating scene of New York. Now this show was either created to make women across the world feel like shit and useless or it was created for you to point and laugh at and say ' sad cow' at the same time!

Honestly these women on this show are the lowest of the low on the moral's playing field !! They boast about dating 6 men at once. They complain how they get confused by who they are meant to be going on a date with ( no wonder !!!) and to top it all off the feel horrible about the fact that they cannot find a meaningful relationship. COME ON !! You stupid American cows !! You cannot find a meaningful relationship because you are dating six guys at once, you are not satisfied with just one ( greedy or what ), you do not actually have any desire to settle down and you probably could not define let alone spell meaningful !!!
Seriously I went to bed last night muttering stupid bitches to myself ( the cat was a bit disturbed by this outburst)

I was looking at my sisters blog today and strangely enough she was talking about a similar subject. Basically rating which nationality would be best to date . I have to share with you her description of a British man priceless and pretty much bang on : British - more mamma's boys. Not as bad as the Italians, but at least the Italians know to take you out for a nice dinner on a date and don't count going Dutch at the pub as 'a good night out.' how bang on is that ?!?!?!?!? I was so so impressed with that. If you ant to see the rest have a look http://alexandrataylor.blogspot.com/
Right random daily rant is now finished :)

Getting Older and Wiser

You know as time goes by you begin to realize that you have grown up. That you are no longer the precocious cjild, teenager or young adult you once were. You are a fully fledged adult. When you were that snot nosed attitude driven kid you used to think' never be like those adults !!! '

guess what .... Everyone becomes once of those adults. It is the law of nature and all things possible.

Today was having a conversation with Emma ( friend/workmate) and at the end of it decided I may very well be a 80 year old trapped in a 27 year olds body !!! We were talking about how now rather then go out on a Saturday night getting blind drunk and stumbling in at 3 ish in the morning we would love to get in a bath and soak the night away. I now realized I would much rather prefer going out on a Saturday afternoon getting merry in a beer garden and then going home 7 ish have a good meal and pass out, safe in the knowledge that I WILL NOT HAVE A HANGOVER!!

Please do not get me wrong I love a great night out but what I do not like anymore is every night out. It loses the novelty and the enjoyment. We also decided that this was something for some unknown reason we thought or at least speaked about as a bad thing ?! Then we thought its not !!! It is a natural progression of growing older and yes wiser.

I think of the practical things now whilst doing the illogical things I know how to do best!!!
Do I miss my precocious and attitude driven youth ???? Maybe just a tiny little bit. But I do love the fact that I can think about things in a well mannered process for example :

Get drunk in the afternoon make sure you are in bed by 7 though and drink water = no hangover!! No dehydration to the point of not actually being able to blink and generally feeling human

This to me is getting older and a little wiser

P.S before you ask no I do not have a drink problem !!!

The weekend Breakdown

Morning all :) Happy new week to you all ( yeah really I am not all that happy it is Monday but someone has to pretend don't they ? )

So yeah my weekend ..... oh the excitement..... yeah not really that exciting.
Sometimes I wish I could come on here on a Monday morning and write about this fantastic memorable weekend I just went through. Tell witty stories, Burble on about the itellectual things I have done and the exciting people I met .... Never going to happen at this rate. Have the social life of a snail... Mostly my own doing to be fair !

So yeah Saturday I had a mission to go and do the boxing training that my gym was holding and well I never. There were 2 reasons for this first one being as follows. I recently told someone I just met that this was my plan for Saturday morning along with going out on Saturday evening. The text I go back read as follows:
Un-named person: Well least I know you can handle yourself in the bar then if there is any trouble
( kinda read like that can't remember exact words but you get the meaning of it )

This freaked me out on so so so many levels !!! I have come to the conclusion that I would rather others would not know me as the ass beating girl who can handle herself ( not very femine really is it ?? )
Second reason is that well ... I was to damn lazy for that excitement.
I did go to the gym and did do my work out though for a hour and a freakin half !!!! 6 miles later and 400 sit ups later ( this tummy will tighten up if it is the last damn thing I do ) My legs were like rubber when I got in the are. Sure sign you have done a good work out : You have troubles shifting your car !!
Right now the evening, my lovely best mate Sarah had me round for a lovely ( healthy dinner) was nice to just spend time with her tell her all that has been going on in recent days and just well have a great time. We went out for a drink in West Didsbury and were surrounded by pretentious assholes for the majority of the night. You know the kind, 30 years old have a bit of money behind them and think they are something special . When in actuality their mother is hooked on dope there sister has just been knocked up for the second time ... She is only 17 and you grew up in the shittiest area known to man. God they drove us mad !!

Sunday was boredom at its worst. Gym - home - couch - sleep - wakeup - back to sleep and so on and so forth . You can see Sunday was highly productive. Saying that I baked for some unknown reason. " apple pies , 1 lot of brownies and a Banana bread later I reckoned the manic baking had to stop - baking - stop - back on the couch - asleep

Oh the excitement !

Life and a Rant as well

You know life is a funny thing. By funny I mean the way it works out and just ' ticks over'. The way sometimes it all goes brilliantly well for you on one day and by the next you want to find either the fast bullet train to jump infront of or the tallest building to leap off to just end it all !!

Life has been a veritable thing of ups and downs for me over the last little while. You know this from previous post and other things as well I have not mentioned and won't just now but promise to a little later. I would not say I have been depressed but I would say that I have been confused by what direction I want my life to go in. And now I am slowly starting to figure it out. I have made some big changes recently and little ones and wow holy shit do those change make a difference on how you look and react to things.
I still do want to go home to Canada eventually but have decided I need to get a clear plan in my head to do this and figure it out logically ( yes all you who know me know I am not logical and anything I tend to do has not plan nor make any sense to be fair)
Also I have decided that I defiantly need to move sooner then later. Number of reasons for this. The biggest damn one being this : MY DAMN BOILER KEEPS BREAKING and if any one person leaves a comment reading ' your Canadian you should be used to it' I will hunt you down and probably stab you in the eyes and stick you in a freezer to see how I have been feeling in my ice box for the last week ( fair play probably would not stab you in the eyes just not nice that ) Seriously I got home from circuit training on Tuesday and the minute I walked in my flat my leg muscles seized up and screamed up to my brain ' WHY WHY WHY ?!?! I called the emergency man who never turned up. Even the cat was cold he tried to drag off my hot water bottle.
And then last night the exact same thing happened !!!! Came in from the gym, got hit by a ice block of cold air and promptly dropped to the ground to stop my legs from twitching to death ( was not quick enough and was hobbled for the rest of the night)
The boiler alone is enough to drive someone out but there are other things as well. I need to have some sort of daily human interaction. The cat , Cleo/leo , can only offer so much bloody entertainment, which mainly consists of me putting tape on the end of his tail and watching him run round to get it ( trust me I am not being cruel he loves it and looks for the tape roll when I am on the couch ok ! ) But also financially damn it is costing way to much to rent living by yourself !!!!

Right life changing rant over now everyone ....Sorry had to be done


Now for the daily rants: Today it is a thank you day so here we go :
Thanks to the lady in the silver golf who this morning thought it would be funny to ride up my ass as we were driving into work at 7 in the morning ... Honestly either you learn how to drive or next time we stop at a light I am going to take your keys away !! No one should be that eager to get to work in the morning !!
Thanks to the boiler man who said ' sorry Louisa I did not get your message the other night about your broken boiler' yeah right fool !!! I know you did because I got a return receipt from the text message I sent you and when I called the first time it rang second time you turned your phone off....You try freezing your ass off and then realizing it is actually warm outside then in your damn flat ... Bastard !
Thanks to the guy at Tescos's who did not mention the fact that my fly was undone even though the only reason I realized it was undone was due to the fact that you were looking at it !! ... And you expect me to continue to shop at your shitty shop ... Yeah right ( note : yes this is the second time this has happened to me at this Tescos and yes written about the first time previously)
Thanks to the builders next door for the early wake up call on Saturday ... For Christ sakes guys ever thought that some people do have social lives on Friday nights and god damn have a thumping hangover on Saturday mornings and do not need to listen to you lot banging away !!! Cheers !!!

right I am done now anger let out now feel better and the purple shade to my features is gone now.
speak to you later comment away if you wish !

NEW !!! Weekly recommendations

I have recently decided to do something new on my blog. Now I accept the fact that I more then Likely have minimal readership due to lack of comments. But I do not give a fuck so there I am doing this and this is my new thing:
Each week I am going to recommend things not entirely sure what as of yet and I think it will be different things each week from books to food to things to do. Hopefully just maybe or by the faintest chance someone will find it good or useful or they will find it pants and never come back ha ha ! So here we go people :

THIS WEEKS RECOMMENDATIONS
Firstly I am currently addicted to my new Jack Johnson CD

I do realize he has been around for some time now however I only got into him recently when I heard track 11 off this album ' Breakdown' I knew I would like it straight away.

It is the perfect album for sitting back and relaxin to. Good for in the car when you have some 90 year old doing 20 miles an hour in front of you for no apparent reason other then they should not be behind the damn wheel, it relaxes you!

So fully recommend you buy it listen to it and then pass it on to a friend really good.

Books hmmmm god do I love my books I cannot sleep at night even if I have been on the drink without attempting to read something. There are so so many books I want to mention but will start with my all time favorite series. My mum introduced me to this years ago and have been hooked ever since. Reading some of the books 2 times over. It is called the outlander series and very hard to describe effectively to you but will make it brief. There are 5 books in the series increasing in size with each one. Do not kid yourself if you think you can read these in a week because you cannot ok.

Basically it goes like this: set in Scotland women goes near weird cirdle of stones and then BANG she is back in time. She goes back to I think 1600's or so right smack into the middle of the jacobite wars between the English and Scottish. Forced to marry Scot and goers from there she is a doctor which makes it more intereresting. Honestly do not judge by my description look it up. Really is gripping and keeps you sucked in from beginning until end. Promise you.

Food: Hmm how I love food and god how I love cooking it as well. Bit hard to do when you live by yourself. You tend to make mass amounts of things and then you are eating the same damned thing day in and day out just because you made the damn stuff. I do not have anything specific to recommend but I do have this to say.

BAKE !!!! Not enough people bake anymore it is a dying art form as far as I am concerned. People seem scared of it for no reason at all. So dammit people bake something this weekend !!!

exercise... Some of you may know least friends and family will, that since February last year I went on a big lose weight get fit campaign and well almost a year later here are the results: I have lost just under 5 stone ( 67 pounds for non English people ) I have gone down 4-5 dress sizes and well I have to say damn I am looking better then ever did. I go to the gym 5 - 6 times a week now and actually love it. Now my recommendation is this : circuit training !!! I just started it for the first time 2 weeks ago and had my second session last night. PAIN !!! But completely worth every ache and pain. Try it at least twice because if you just go the once you will only think of it as painful by the second time it is not nearly as bad.

So that's all it may be a bit lame but makes me feel useful for 5 minutes and well I do it for me so if you do not like it get stuffed :) Will think of more things to recommend next week. Basically it is a excuse to ramble on to my self and feel important. Just play along with me ok ?? Pretty please ?? Bye x

Home and then other things as well

Recently I have thought about returning to Canada in the future more and more. Now my mother does not know this but obviously she will now ha ha ! But yeah in all seriousness it has been a thought that has not only crept into my mind but firmly implanted itself there. I am not talking about picking up and leaving in a few months but maybe in the next 2 years I may want to. I mentioned this to my sister Alex who promptly asked me ( and more then likely correctly ) ' make sure there are no debt collectors after you ?!' yeah she is right should make sure they have stopped chasing me.


You ask what has brought this on? A lot has to be honest. Obviously having all my family here over the holidays did open my eyes up to what I am missing most plus it also made me realize I lead a very solitude life otherwise. So it just made me think how much more I enjoy my mum and bro and sis now. The fact that I really really enjoy spending time with mum but knowing I will only get smacked once and a while rather then all the time for stupid behavior makes it worth it in itself !!!

The other big factor has been goings on at work which to protect my own ass I cannot discuss. Without saying to much, if I were to stop working at my present employer I know for a fact I would not be able to get a wage that would cover my cost of living here ( which by the way is mad !!!!!! ) Plus it would be a good reason to start fresh ( again )

Anyway it is just a thought that has stuck and had to be written down that's all.

Now for the other things ..........

I have invited one of my best friends Sarah to come with me to Canada. When I invited her I expected the normal response most would give of ' love to but not sure I can afford that so expensive' did I get that from Sarah ?? Hell no !!! Had to hold her back from booking the ticket then and there ha ha !! So I have to say I am dead dead happy she has agreed to come and really hope she loves it. Have asked her to come with me when I go home for the Canada Day party. Believe she has no idea what she has agreed to ha ha !!!

I am also looking at possibly moving as well. I am slowly but surely not being able to afford to live by myself. The cost of living by myself is getting on top of me now. I have mentioned it to Sarah and it is a possibility with her but not for another 6 months at least. Not sure if I can continue to live on 2 pound fucking 50 a day for 6 more months !!!!!!!

So yeah anyone want to move in with me and my cat ?
no takers???? Nothing ???
thought that might be the answer I got
oh well

I am Back .... Still in one piece and at the same level of Insanity as Well !

Helllloooooo yes I am back !!
Apologies for nothing for almost a month. As you all should know and if you do not know you live under a rock in the desert somewhere, it has been Christmas so no chance to write really.
The Taylor /friends in tow visit went really really well. No major blood was shed and no one threatened to do serious bodily harm only moderate harm.

It was amazing to have them all here and by far one of the nicest Christmas I have had. My mum and George landed after a long delay in Calgary and a long delay getting a hire car ( Mum kicked up a fuss and managed to get up graded to a well nice gas guzzling car) Alex landed well also on the same day.

Next to arrive was my brothers girlfriend, Amanda, just after Christmas which was lovely as well. And then finally last two to arrive were Richie my brothers and have to say mine now friend. He is Venezuelan ( so cannot spell that ) Peruvian , Swiss Canadian or as we like to call him our little brown boy ( he insists he is bronze ) and then came Phil our Dutch Canadian boy who is currently training with the Dutch commandos.
So yeah whole thing was absolutely wicked had a blast ate way way way to much did not drink to much though. Think old age is kicking in and just do not drink often now. Rest of the family do however and now I am fairly sure believe I was adopted at birth ha ha

I had one bad thing happen to me twice however. On the Sunday before Christmas some bastard hit my car late at night and drove off and then to make matters worse the damned thing got hit again in the Ikea parking lot!!!! Needless to say my the second hit I sounded like I possibly had tourettes . It is so going to cost me to get it fixed so any donations would be great !! ha ha ( yes fully realize that no one is going to donate )
anyway I will have pics soon and once I get them will post for all to see
so till next time bye bye :) x

Better Chance of Pulling in a pursuing home ! ... And Various updates as well

Hello hello hellooooooo alll !!!!
Yesterday my friend Sarah ( she will kill me for telling this story but I did warn her I would blog it so tough lady !! ) went on the ultimate quest to find a man ...... She went..... Speed dating !!!!
Now I have done this speed dating business with a good reputable company one of the first to do full on speed dater events. I went to a very up market bar in city center Manchester and all participants were well lets say educated and not scum ok. So when Sarah said she was going to do this I said brilliant !!! Honestly promiseyou you will have a top time and never know may find something you like there. Except there was one issue :

She did not go one of the really well known speed dating firms and it was not set up in Manchester city center at a up market bar. In fact it was set up from what I can gather by a much smaller company then the one I used. It was held at a moderate bar in Didsbury which is a lovely area but the issue is that it is also invade by STUDENTS !!! How the hell do you find a de cent mature normal guy in studentville !! You cannot it is a impossible task never ever try it !
So this is how the conversation and text conversation went before she arrived at the big event :

ME: you read then ?? What you wearing ?
Sarah : Jeans black top , casual really
ME: cleavage ??? Always works men love tit's !
Sarah : NO!! Way to nervous right now ??
ME: stop being a big giant assed Jessie !! It will be fine
Sarah: give me a first question to ask something good
ME: Ok... Ask .... What is your favorite piece of fruit ?? And Ice breaker
Sarah: ( nervous slightly suicidal laughter) ok gotta go taxi here !!
ME: Good luck

After I hung up I was giggling at her obvious dread of the coming situation and being the nasty evil cow I can tend to be I thought I would stir it up a bit more by sending the following text. I also waited until I knew she would be either just arriving or already there before sending it to her :

text message : Remember do not mention the case of genital warts! Really puts them off for some reason unkown to me !! lol lol xx

I received no response to this ha ha !! Big surprise

After the even that obviously finished I received a text from Sarah and was ready for this message that would be all glowing and happy and that it was a success .... How wrong was I ???!!

Sarah txt message: That was shite I am never ever doing that again !!! I have more chance of pulling in a damn nusring home !!
Louisa txt response back : honestly could not have been that bad although.... Nursing home is not a bad idea they die quicker and you get all the money.

So my lovely amazing friend Sarah is now in the following frame of mind : I am going to be a spinster for the rest of my life I am obviously a mental reject and will never ever be able to get a man ....I suck.
Sarah you do not suck you will find a man stop being a big Jessie I will make it my mission for you to get this sorted out. Mainly because in 20 years time when I have a family I do not want you known as Louisa's crazy cat lady friend who is coming for the holidays because her life sucks and she lives in a bedsit smelling of wee !! Selfish I know but practical.

Update on the Taylor clan visit:
72 hours and they arrive. All seems to be going well mum seems reasonably level headed and not overly stressed. George apparently is excited like a small school boy ( well not small at over 6 foot 2 but you get the picture )
My sister however is at wrist slashing point with work and has pre warned me not to expect conversation from her when she lands as she will be a vegetable.
Me well me is excited and worked up at the same time. My main aim over this holiday season is to drink get drunk eat myself stupid and then pass out and sleep for hours on end.

The way every holiday should be spent as far as I am concerned !!!

next up date will include the goings on of the Christmas works do which is tomorrow night !

Can't think of a Decent tittle ......Far to Lazy !!

Apologies again for recent non blog entries. Life has been busy and hetic at times and if I were to be honest with you other times extremely lazy !!
It is 10 days until the Taylor clan lands oh sweet lord help and protect great Britain !! ha No in all fairness I am actually dead dead excited about them all coming but at the same time as previously stated I worry tremendously for my sanity as well!

I have attempted to clean my flat and keep failing miserably! I have got it to a state of clean but it still looks well not tidy ! So that is my mission for the next 10 days try and make myself tidy. Some may be thinking ' crap mission really ' but it is not I swear !!!! Trying to make me tidy is a near impossibility it is like trying to make your self believe George Bush has a fully functioning brain! I will clean and put everythign in its place right and it will look amazing ........ For about 5 minutes ! Then the clutter demon takes over and it looks untidy again. And this is not just solely in my flat this includes my car and my desk and my handbag. I am soon going to turn into my grandmother and save every plastic type container I can get my hands on I know I will !!! Believe medication may be in order soon to stop this problem!ha

Now onto another of my unreasonable compulsions this one though however is not completely unreasonable as I have a strong belief that others have the seasonal issue as well. This is the latest a obsession. I am now lying in bed every night worrying myself to fully awake on who else I should or should not be buying Xmas pressies for !! You may be thinking ' give me a break not a big issue at all ' BUT IT IS DAMMIT !!!!! You worry who you offend you worry who would have got you something and you didn't get them anything , you worry also about what you got someone and if it is to cheap or to expensive !! It is a never ending bloody issue !!!


Here is a example.My best mate Sarah is excessively hard to shop for she is not picky but she is also happy with just about anything you get her. You are now all thinking well if she is happy with anything then this should be easy ! Well it is not at all. I want to get her something fun something she will enjoy and will make her smile. She loves Wallace and Gromitt and creature comforts so I was thinking down those lines then I had a inspirational idea !! Shje bought herself a lush stuffed toy of Gromitt ( the dog ) so I thought brilliant I can get her the giant stuffed toy version of Wallace. So I did my research and turns out the bastards only do a stuffed toy version of the dog !?!?! What a bunch of dumb asses !! Why would you do one and not the other ?? They are a pair they should be together in every toy aspect !!! So my brilliant idea became a dead dead idea!. So basically I am back to square one and I have absolutely no idea what to get her driving me mad. Any ideas would be of great great help ( not that anyone ever reads my damn blog now )
Speaking of people not reading my blog or sorta kinda speaking of it. How do people manage to get themselves nominated for these cool blog awards ( URBS The Urban Blogging Awards) ?? How in gods name do they firstly get that many people reading them and secondly become so cool in the blog world to be nominated ! It is like being in high school again and having the cool and popular gang the mildly cool but intelligent group and then the geeks and well then me. That is seriously what it is like!! Baffles me how these people manage to get these faceless followers who religiously read them and how they become so good at blogging as well ?! Also are they all unemployed ???? How in christs name do they find the damned time to do this ?!
Just winds me up that I am not nearly that talented nor can I write about overly interesting things 24 hours a day let alone once a week and lets face it I CANNOT SPELL !! If they had a award for worst typed spelt blog there would be no competition I would win that bastard with honors!!!
anyway enough whinging
bye x